


Home Sweet Home

by ohmiyaskdesu



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Death, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 05:39:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 50
Words: 32,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2720774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmiyaskdesu/pseuds/ohmiyaskdesu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I used to think life sucked and that I would be lonely forever. That is until Aiba Masaki entered my life. Everything changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve lost count of how many children entered this place we all call our home, and how many children there were altogether. Honestly, I didn’t know half of the children here anymore.

It's cold on the way back home. I swore that I was never going to think of him again and our fond memories we made together, but it's impossible. I hold my tears back as I sigh and close my tired eyes. It's going to be a long ride.  
  
 _19 years ago..._  
  
A brief yawn escaped through my mouth as I rubbed away the tiredness dragging my eyes down with the back of my hand. There hadn’t been a day where I could get a peaceful night of sleep because of a new kid, softly sobbing every single night. The nuns should stop using the spare bed besides me as a temporary bed.  
  
Instead of going back to sleep, I got out of bed and gingerly walked past of the row of beds. From where I was, though, I could still hear the boy’s soft sobs. I couldn’t blame him. We all lost our parents, or neither of them wanted us. I knew how he felt, and I knew I should have said something, but I didn’t know what to say. Eventually, he’ll get used to the idea of living amongst us strangers. Sighing, I escaped into the dark hallways.  
  
It was quiet, and I liked it that way except for the crickets chirping so loudly like they were the music at night. Still, I remained on the window’s ledge and kept my eyes fixed on the city beyond the manor gates. I rarely went to the city, so I always forgot what the outside world looked like during the day. But at night, the outside world was at peace: it was still, completely silent and bare. The only thing that made the city alive was the lights coming from the neighborhood houses, apartments and the tall office buildings. I was about to walk away when my interest got caught by a shady person walking out of a building, wearing dark dress shoes, a trench coat, and a deerstalker. The man briefly stopped for a second, looked from left to right before crossing the streets. I wondered if his parents were still alive and if he grew up with them…  
  
My eyes went to the manor gates and saw that it was opened wide as usual. I always wondered why it was never closed and thought that the nuns were careless at their jobs. But last year, around late August or early September, I saw a woman holding a huge basket rushing from the city, past the gates, and disappeared below the ledge that blocked my view. I remembered hearing the loud, yet gentle knocks that I could even hear it from the second floor. Then I heard the cries of a baby that was louder than her knocks, yet not a kid got up in the middle of the night because we were used to it. By then, she left as quickly as the soft summer breeze… I eventually grew fond of Jun since then; I was able to name him because I was there first and was put in charge of looking after him.  
  
It wasn’t the first for me to see this, though, because I always sat there at the nights I couldn’t sleep. I’ve lost count of how many of us entered this place we all call our home, and how many of us there were altogether. Honestly, I didn’t know everyone here anymore as a new face comes in every day.


	2. Hello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he walked to the front of the classroom, however, mirth and thrill filled the brown of his eyes, and a bright smile that mimicked the brightness of the sun easily replaced his dismal expression.

According to the nuns, today is Jun’s birthday; I was the only kid, plus some nuns and staff who actually cared to show up. With their help, I baked a tiny cupcake, about the size of Jun’s hands, its top covered with a plain purple icing; I felt like it was the most appropriate color for Jun. Then, thanks for one of the staff whose kid recently turned one, I stuck a simple candle that read the number one in the middle of the cake. It was perfect, and I could tell Jun liked it, too, by the way his eyes twinkled at the sight of it.  
  
As everyone and I sang a happy birthday to Jun, I stared at the melted wax slowly making its way down the candle. I suddenly remembered my parents, two years ago on my birthday. We were happy then and there was nothing better than having each other. But that one night, when it all went wrong... I cried for their attention, for my dad to look at the road, but they were too busy fighting about their marriage commitment when- The song ended with a bang and multicolored confetti fell on top my head and Jun's. The nuns and staff were smiling at Jun and I thought of how lucky Jun was to have us.  
  
There wasn't an after party of the sorts, not even when kids started filling in for breakfast. They all gave me an odd look, but when they saw the birthday decorations I made last night for Jun, they ignored us completely. I was glad, though, that Jun’s unaware of how cold everyone was. I liked it better when the cafeteria was empty and it was just me, Jun, and the custodian in the corner probably cleaning off a permanent food stain that bothered him.  
  
However, the fun ended so soon. I had to go to school, whether I liked it or not. I wished that I didn’t have to go, though, because it was boring and being with Jun was better than being around dumb and ignorant kids my age. Still, I went. It was an opportunity the nuns gave us at this manor, and I didn’t want to be the one to ruin all their hard work and optimism for us. Heck, they even spent thousands of money to build a new building for educational purposes just so we could be like those kids who has parents.  
  
I sped to our room and into the closet and quickly changed into the assigned school uniform. I hate how they made us wear a bow tie and dress shoes to complement the preppy feeling it gave. Shuddering, I ran to class and found that the other students were already sat on their chairs. Some were in their small circles, talking to their friends in a hushed tones. Probably some gossip or news they heard happening outside the manor.  
  
I weaved through thirty-four children, which I think is way too much to be in such a small room. Yet the nuns had their way with designing the room for all of us to fit, and I’m glad that the history teacher assigned me all the way to the back where there was much space, right next to the window. I hated sitting there at first because during winter, all I could feel was the cold breeze through the small cracks in the windows, but I liked summertime because the winds always hits me first.  
  
As soon as I took my seat, the history teacher came in looking like he had been through a lot just to come to our manor. In fact, I heard that the teacher lived far away from the manor and came here because he wanted to teach us as many things to open our eyes. But I just saw it as a way of indirectly pitying us. Of course, I didn’t say anything because I actually wanted to learn, too. However, I sat idly with my head on the cool table as I stared at the empty lot of playground outside, wishing that I could be there, playing on the dirt and getting scratches I know the nuns would disapprove of, instead. I’ve already zoned out long ago when the teacher started talking about the history of Japan, and how our nation became the way it is today. Boring, I thought and yawned from the loss of sleep…  
  
My head snapped up when I heard the door swing open. I thought that it was recess, but disappointment came when the nun didn’t dismiss us. Instead, the eldest nun came in and was followed by a gaunt and lanky boy. He had a light brown hair that stood out against us all black haired kids, but I could tell he was one of us. His eyes darted around nervously, and we made eye contact for only a second, but I was able to see how lost and alone he was just by that one look. When he walked to the front of the classroom, however, mirth and thrill filled the brown of his eyes, and a bright smile that mimicked the brightness of the sun easily replaced his earlier expression.  
  
“Hello,” he bowed and then stood up straight like a ruler. “I’m Aiba Masaki.”


	3. Gradient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I suddenly felt horrible as I watched the expressions change on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1Fall starts in September 22.

It’s been exactly 23 days since Jun’s birthday passed, and now it’s the Fall season1. I sat on one of the benches outside, near the playground, when I took a break from teaching Jun how to walk, but I wouldn't exactly call it a break. Instead, as I talked to Jun in hushed tones, Aiba Masaki would be there, talking to me in his loud and breathy voice. Ever since the nuns placed him as a permanent resident of the spare bed besides me, he immediately assumed that I was his friend, or "bedmate" as he called it. But I didn't like the idea of being his friend, not that I've approved of it anyway.  
  
Plus, he's loud, he's annoying, and half of the time, I don’t understand the whole point to his stories - not that it means I’m listening, though. I tried ignoring him by blocking out his voice or moving to the different benches in the huge courtyard, but to no avail. I could still hear his voice ringing in the back of my mind even as he spoke. Eventually, I ended up in the same bench we started from and the seats were still warm.  
  
“Look,” I finally snapped, pulling Jun away when I saw that Aiba tried to get a hold of him. “I like peace and quiet, especially when I’m with Jun.”  
  
“Why?” He asked curiously in that annoying voice I came to dislike.  
  
“Because, I hate getting bothered and Jun’s my - “ I stopped myself when that word came into my mind.  _Jun, a brother?_  Probably in another life, but Jun was just a huge responsibility that I was happy to take.  
  
“- Brother,” Aiba continued my sentence, and it surprised me how fast the cheery tone in his voice suddenly became gloomy. The sadness in that one simple word made me wonder how he became one of us. Perhaps he lost somebody along the way and no one wanted him? Or no one just wanted him.  
  
“It’s ok. I understand.” Then he smiled up at me, making it seem as if everything was OK. But I knew one when I saw one: that one kid who believed that there was no hope left for him. “I’ll go and talk to the other kids,” he mumbled quietly as he stood up and gave the ground a sad look, even with that smile on his face. He stood there for a minute, kicking away at invisible dirt. I suddenly felt horrible as I watched the expressions change on his face. I wanted to take back my words.  
  
I ran after him as he began walking away, but it didn’t help that I held Jun’s weight. As soon as I caught up with him, I grabbed his wrist and gently yanked him back. “I didn’t tell you to leave.” I thought that he was going to keep walking, but then he turned around and he had a huge grin on his face.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
I watched him with odd curiosity as he bounced/skipped back to the bench, wondering why he’s happy about being around me rather than being with other kids. Was it because Jun attracted him, or because he pitied me for not having friends, or he just found it fun to bother me? Whatever his reason was, I followed after him and reclaimed my seat. He was quiet for a while, mumbling a few things as he and I played with Jun. But I had a feeling he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, and I just knew my doubt came true when he began rambling on and on again. This time, though, I didn’t indirectly tell him to keep quiet. Instead, I let him talk endlessly.  
  
He talked about robots, magic, unicorns, basically anything that seemed to fascinate the mind that mind of his. When he wasn’t looking, I smiled. Now that I thought about it, he’s the only kid who’s ever  _bothered_  to talk to me.


	4. Tempest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I slowly approached him, afraid that if I ran the strong winds will take me on a windy ride with the leaves.

Aiba Masaki, even when the recent days were dark and gloomy, always smiled the brightest. I envied him for that - which I'm ashamed to admit out loud and even to Aiba - because it seemed like the most natural thing for him. While I, on the other hand, scared off younger kids and kids my age because I tend to scowl when someone gets near me; older kids assumed that I was trying to pick a fight. Maybe that's why no one wants to talk to me except all-smiles-Aiba who accepted anything and anyone.  
  
"Kazu," he started calling me that after we hit a month of our friendship, "that's no way to get friends," he would tell me before trying to make me smile. I let him teach me in front of a mirror once, but it came out awkwardly that the kids steered clear when they say my crooked smile. At least Jun didn't cry when I smiled at him.  
  
"It's ok," Aiba giggled and patted him on his head. "I know it's hard, but at least you smile naturally around Jun-chan and let's keep it that way." I think that Aiba was trying to compliment me, but I took it as an insult and threatened him that if he ever teaches me how to smile again, I will shun him.  
  
It was getting awfully cold now a days that I just didn't want to go outside and play with Aiba and Jun. I wanted to stay indoors all day besides the entrance of the manor's bakery while I inhaled the scent of freshly baked bread, but of course with Aiba around, I was unable to do so. Instead, he dragged me and Jun around the entire ten acre of land and I have never been dizzy before in my life. Jun, on the other hand, was having the time of his life. Aiba showed me the best places to play hide and seek which was right behind the staff building. Then he brought me to a pile of fallen leaves - piles of fallen leaves, actually - in places where we weren't even allowed to go. He told me that by piling up as many leaves he can gather, jumping on it would break his fall. I thought that he was just kidding, but he jumped up into the air and landed in the pile of leaves. I lost him underneath all the mess.  
  
"It's fun!" Aiba yelped excitedly as he jumped out of the leaves and piled them up again. "Try it Kazu."  
  
"No, I-"  
  
"Please?!" Aiba whined like a dog wanting to play with his master.  
  
I warily eyed at the leaves in front of me and imagined the many ways I could get hurt and that we'd get in trouble because of Aiba. However, Aiba couldn't keep calm and kept pestering me even if I kept shaking my head in disagreement. So I hesitantly obliged. After I sat Jun besides Aiba's legs, I stood at the edge of the pile, breathed in deeply, and exhaled it out as I mimicked Aiba's earlier actions. I landed on my elbow, and it did hurt, but the pain was minor and everything else seemed fine. As I struggled out of the leaves and stood back up, I gave Aiba a look that told him we could keep going.  
  
After we had our fun, Aiba brought us back to the bench we usually hung out at. I listened to him talk while I continued to teach Jun how to walk. When Jun stumbled on a patch of thick grass, Aiba and I immediately ran besides the rugrat. I was going to dust away all the dirt on Jun's clothing, but my something caught my eyes. To the right of where Jun fell was a flower bed mixed with different colored flowers that The gardener might have planted and kept alive over summer. But what caught my attention was a heart shaped leaf that different shades and blotches of the colors yellow, green, red, and orange stuck to the branch of a yellow lily flower. I stared at it in fascination because I've never seen anything like it before, even when it was right next to me the whole time. I thought about plucking it out, but by the time I had the chance to, we were all called in for dinner.  
  
I had forgotten about the leaf when the dinner was displayed before us. I ate like there was no yesterday, but Aiba ate more than me and had me thinking how he's still skinny. When we finished eating and we were ready to go tend to ourselves, a group of nuns came in followed by a Father. The man was Father Ohno and he came by today during dinner to tell us that it would be very windy all night throughout tomorrow night and handed all of us thick jackets. I've only seen Father twice, I think: one being the day I was admitted into the manor, the second in a TV commercial when he talked about the concerns of parentless children. But I think I've seen him before at the bakery when I looked in on what they were making for lunch last week. Or were my eyes just playing me? Either way, Father Ohno was someone important to all of us - the entire manor if you put it that way. The past Father, Father Ohno Saburo, was his biological father and the manor was passed down onto him when he died. I found it strange how the recent Father runs an orphanage when he had a father himself.  
  
From what I've heard, the past Father was different from his son. He was extremely strict and he rarely showed his face to anyone unless you are summoned into his office when a new couple, or an old couple, or any aged couple were looking for children to adopt or give away. Father Ohno, however, invited public appearances and would let some kids get away with misbehaviour sometimes, but I'm not quite sure because I heard all this from Aiba, who heard it from Maruyama, who heard it from Ohkura. Other than that, Father Ohno's sleepy and aloof expression calmed me down and made me feel sleepy. That is, until, we heard a loud crash outside.  
  
All the children, including me and Aiba, rushed to the window where everyone was heading to. Leaves, upon thousands of leaves were being swept away in huge circular motions here and there. I looked to my right, expecting to see Aiba pouting, but he was no longer there. Then I looked to my left. He wasn't there either. Panic overcame me as I searched for him, but odd relief washed over me when I saw a door at a corner slowly coming to a close.  _Aiba_.  
  
I rushed past the crowd, past the heavenly servants, and past the huge door. Then I saw Aiba. He had on the huge jacket that Father Ohno gave us, but it was loose like he was in a rush to put it on. His back was facing me, but I could tell he was looking at something by the way he sighed in content. I slowly approached him, afraid that if I ran the strong winds will take me on a windy ride with the leaves. But I stopped short when Aiba turned around. He had dried tears trailing to the left on his cheeks because of the wind and he held up a leaf as he waved at me with a happy grin.  
  
“I wanted to save this leaf,” he said, “because Kazu liked it.”  
  
“Since when-” I paused when I recognized the said item. The heart shaped leaf.  
  
Aiba ran towards me and I was worried for a second when the wind became stronger, but he was still on his feet. I wanted to scold him right away for saving that one little leaf, but I stopped myself as I laid my eyes on his bright smile. I will probably never understand why Aiba would risk anything for Jun and me, or why he even cares at all about the both of us when he has himself to worry about. Instead, I smiled back at him, and this time it wasn't forced. My cheeks felt numb a few seconds after, but I kept it up as I gently pocketed the lucky leaf and walked back to the manor.


	5. Seed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I nodded my head out of excitement, but only it’s because it was as if Aiba had read my mind.

“What are you up to?” I asked curiously as I tried peeking over the overgrown bushes. Earlier this morning, Aiba literally dragged me out of bed, dressed me in the thick jacket, and told me to be as quiet as possible. I wanted to ask him what he was up to, but I was still half asleep. That is, until we stepped outside and the cold winds bit at us. I was howling along with the wind about the cold weather and I tried going back inside, but Aiba wouldn’t let me. Instead, he, yet again, dragged me to the side of the main manor, and walked into an overgrown bush without me. He hasn’t said a word since.  
  
“What are you up to?” I asked again, moving closer and closer to the bush. I would step over to answer my own question, but I wasn’t into getting in a tangled mess. Still no answer. I groaned impatiently as I walked back and forth, slipped my cold hands into my pockets, and kicked at the tiny rocks underneath my worn sneakers. There was one particular rock I stared at, kicked at, and stomped at; I hadn’t noticed that I moved away from the bush when the rock fell in between a crack in the sidewalk.  
  
The sun shone on an empty field with nothing, but the green turf we used to play on and have those special events where people from the outside are invited in. Sometimes, I liked those kinds of events because no one notices my disappearance into the manor; but there was too many people, and I didn’t like that at all. There were days, when everyone was inside of the manor, I sneaked out into this field. I liked it’s bareness, it’s simplicity, but I felt like it was missing something… colorful.  
  
I suddenly thought of Aiba and wondered if he had an idea of all sorts because he seemed capable of it. At first, I thought of him odd that he can be so positive, and the way he dressed like a rainbow whenever we went outside the manor for one of those boring weekly field trips. There was a time when Aiba really dressed up as a rainbow, and I was too embarrassed to be next to him. Speaking of which, I turned around to see if Aiba was still in the bush, but I saw him coming out with black dirt in his hands and his face. My eyes immediately narrowed at the sight of him.  
  
“What  _have_  you been doing in there?”  
  
Aiba just grinned as he took a seat in the middle of the turf and waved me over. I rolled my eyes and grinned, unable to help myself from going over. He was Aiba after all, and he was different.  
  
“What?” I asked, matching the grin on Aiba’s face.  
  
“My little brother… he gave me a seed.”  
  
I looked at him in surprise. I always suspected since I decided to let him stick besides me, that he had a little brother. But he hasn’t told me anything about himself, other than his wild thoughts, up until today.  
  
“I planted it right in the middle of this turf.”  
  
“Wha--” I looked at the turf and Aiba back in forth in disbelief, because I hadn’t noticed Aiba here at all because he was with me most of the time. “Then what were you doing back there?”  
  
“Cleaning up. Father Ohno says that the best soil came from there. I just got a couple.” He pulled up a bag of soil that I didn’t even notice had on him. “Help me dig?”  
  
I nodded my head out of excitement, but only it’s because it was as if Aiba had read my mind. He handed me a small shovel, my own bag of soil, and we began digging… Aiba hasn’t said anything about himself since, but by the time we finished, he dropped to his knees, took something out of his pocket, and kissed the seed. It looked awfully big for a simple plant, but I just shrugged as I watched him drop it into the hole. “To Yuusuke,” he mumbled and dumped the bags of soil until we can no longer see it.


	6. Snowfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But with Aiba, it was different and I’ve completely forgotten about my feelings towards winter.

Aiba woke me up first thing in the morning, but I wanted to sleep some more. I tried waving him away and I kicked at my sheets to tell him to stop. However, I wasn't the only one getting bothered. Everyone in our room clamored from the racket Aiba was causing by his loud whisper, and it worsened when I heard Jun crying in the far corner of the room. I immediately got up right away and dragged my feet in my half asleep state towards Jun's crib. I whispered soft words for Jun to calm down as I gently rocked him back and forth like a gentle wave, and it worked like magic once he stopped crying.  
  
"But Kazu, you have got to look!" Aiba exclaimed and he wished that he didn't have to speak so loud when he was right next to him. "It's-"  
  
"Snow!" One of the kids, I think his name was Maruyama, or something like that, interrupted Aiba. At the sound of that single word, everyone rushed to every window, sighing in amazement while Aiba ran and sulked on his bed. "But I wanted Kazu to see it first..."  
  
 _Silly Aiba_.  
  
"Oi," I thumped him lightly on the head. "I'm not the only one worth seeing the snowfall first. You've already seen it first anyway so what's the point?"  
  
"Because... You're my best friend."  
  
If Aiba was looking at me right now, he would have seen me staring at him like a tarsier, some big-eyed animal Aiba had told me about. _Best friend_? The word sounded new to me, although I’ve heard a few of the girls at school say it proudly to their other friends. I suddenly felt like giggling like those girls and calling Aiba my best friend too, but I held it back because I’d only sound and look stupid. Instead, I tapped him on the shoulder as an idea popped into my head.  
  
He sniffled as he turned around to face me. “Yeah?”  
  
“Follow me,” I grinned as I offered my hand to him.  
  
“Kazu, where-”  
  
I hushed him, telling him to be quiet so the others wouldn’t hear us sneaking out. Once Aiba, Jun and I were thickly dressed, we tip toed until we reached the kitchen backdoor. None of us were allowed back here, not even during daylight hours, or at night because the nuns and fathers forbid us to. But because there were so many of us, it was hard to keep track of where we were. Besides, this wasn’t my first time sneaking out at night. Once we were out, snowflakes easily fell on top of us. Jun almost cried from the cold touch if it weren’t for Aiba blowing his warm breath on Jun’s tiny hands. I silently thanked him as I tightly wrapped someone else’s jacket around Jun.  
  
“Kazu, come here,” Aiba whispered as he leaned back, held his arms out, and pointed his face towards the dark sky. It was very dark, too dim to see Aiba’s face, but when he smiled so simply at me, it made me warm all over. Smiling back, I stood besides Aiba and held out a free arm and mimicked him. I usually hated winter because it was cold and all I wanted to do was cuddle underneath the thick blankets they give out every winter time. But with Aiba, it was different and I’ve completely forgotten about my feelings towards winter. I felt this odd warmth just by being around him as if he was a thick blanket, too.  
  
We stayed out for a little while longer, letting the snowfall fall freely on our faces.


	7. Guardian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know why I frowned when I thought of him getting adopted into a new family.

I tapped my fingers on the base of Jun’s exposed stomach as I waited for Aiba. He was called in from the manor during school hours and hadn’t been back since, not even to get tonight’s homework. I questioned, wondered, and ponced what the eldest nun wanted with Aiba, but then I remembered who we are, and where we were.  
  
Last year, nearly a month before Jun’s arrival, I was called in, just like Aiba had been. I remembered how nervous I was, how excited, yet afraid to face my future parents that by the time I came face to face with them, I could barely say a word. They tried getting me to talk by asking all sorts of questions like “What do you do for fun?” or “Who’s your favorite author?” or “Do you play instruments?” I could have answered all the questions in a whim, but my mouth stayed shut. I just knew, when our interview was over, that they wouldn’t pick me when they smiled at me with pity. In the end, I was still stuck in the manor and was rarely called up for those interviews…  
  
“Jun, say it again,” I pleaded. Last week, Aiba told me that Jun had clearly said “Kazu” that he even had witnesses to prove it. I would have been there to hear it to believe it, if it weren’t for Sakurai-sensei calling me in for a month check-up on my health. That was always an issue with the doctor. When there were special events, particularly one that I liked to be in, he always called me in on that specific day. I wouldn’t blamed him because it was not on purpose, but the man should at least be informed.  
  
I waited for Jun to say my name, but he turned his head towards me and babbled, “Dadadadada” in a rush that it almost sounds as if he’s saying the English word “dad.” I sighed in disappointment as I poked at the toys that Aiba made for Jun (he gave it as a late birthday present when he asked me about Jun).  
  
“You’re lucky,” I told Jun, although he probably doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Jun came here, barely a day old, as a baby unlike when I came here at 7, scared, alone, and tired of everything. I didn’t have anyone but the nuns to guide me and some older kids who eventually left me along to figure out everything myself. At least Jun would be able to grow up alongside me and Aiba, that is if no one adopts him. Just as I was about to ask Jun to say my name again, Aiba came in the nursery with a happy grin.  
  
“Kazu, I have good news!” I don’t know why I frowned when I thought of him getting adopted into a new family. I just hope that he doesn’t say that he’d found a better home. “Father Ohno gave me a new task.”  
  
 _Oh_. I sighed in relief as he took a seat besides Jun. “What’d he say?”  
  
“Follow me, I’ll show you.”  
  
I left Jun with the other rugrats for today and trailed closely behind Aiba. Once he and I had on our winter wear, we headed outside, back to where we had planted the huge brown seed. Except this time, snow blanketed the whole field and it was hard to figure out exactly where we planted it. Aiba ran anyways, until he stopped, and fell on his back. I looked at him oddly, but then he pulled me down so I was lying besides him.  
  
“Have you ever made snow angels before?”  
  
“No,” I replied simply, but I bit back my tongue when I wanted to say “it’s because there was no reason to.”  
  
“Well, today’s your lucky day.”  
  
We made a few angels throughout the field until we’ve ran out of space. That was when he told me about his and Father Ohno’s plan for spring. He told me about how he and Father Ohno, also if Jun and I wanted to come, would go to town to buy seeds that they would plant all around the brown seed Aiba and I planted. Flowers, Aiba said, and all different kinds of flowers would grow all over it.  
  
“So… does that mean you’re staying?” I asked him a while after as we stared out into the acre of trees.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Ah, nothing. Never mind.”  
  
“Kazu, of course I’m staying.”  
  
I looked up in surprise when Aiba took my hands in his and held tightly onto it as if I’m the one that’s leaving. “I would never leave you or Jun.”  
  
A relieved smile made its way on my face as we stood up and walked to another empty field. we both fell on our backs, laughing at each other as we sunk into three inches of snow.


	8. Cocoa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I quickly took the cup from his hand and drank a sip from the exact same spot where Aiba’s lip touched.

We couldn't go out with the blizzard coming in this whole week, meaning that we could barely go outside to play. Oh, well. I left it up to Aiba to plan our activities, and I thought that it was a good idea then. We ran around the manor, past everyone, past the nuns who kept telling us not to run. The goal was to play hide and go seek, but we ended up playing a game of tag until we bumped into a group of excited three year olds. We weren’t allowed to play around the hallways anymore.

“No playing around” they said “no running around” they said, but with Aiba around it was impossible to obey. We took the fact that no one was monitoring us to our advantage by using the room as a kingdom. We built and set up our own forts, claiming to be kings of different regions in the room; I let Jun join in when he walked into our room

“The plan is to take over Aiba’s fort. You distract him while I sabotage his kingdom, OK?” Jun nodded his head in reply as he got up and walked near the entrance of Aiba’s fort. Once I gave him the signal, Jun ran in the fort and all I heard was playful screaming and then giggling. Now was my chance. Right when I was about to enter the fort, there was a loud knock. Standing by the door frame was Father Ohno, holding a silver tray with a sleepy smile on his face.

“They ran out of cups, but I managed to get a cup and a bottle for Jun-chan.”

“Thank you Father,” I mumbled after I accepted the silver tray. As I watched him leave, I wondered if Father Ohno even noticed that we were disobeying, or if he was OK with everything Aiba and I did.

“I smell hot cocoa!” Aiba came out right away with Jun in tow.

“But there’s only a cup, plus the bottle for Jun.”

“Oh, it’s ok. We can share. Here ya go, Jun.” After Aiba handed him his bottle, he took a sip from the cup and offered it to me with a satisfied expression on his face. “What’s wrong, you don’t want any?” He asked me with his big doe eyes when I just stared at the cup in his hand. But it wasn’t the hot cocoa, or the christmas themed cup that took my attention, but the chocolate residue of Aiba’s lips on the edge of the cup. “Then…”

I quickly took the cup from his hand and drank a sip from the exact same spot where Aiba’s lip touched.

“Is it good?”

“Yeah…” I slowly replied with a satisfied sigh as the hot cocoa warmed me up.

“You can have it then.”

“Wha- Aiba, this is supposed to be for the both of us.”

“It’s OK. I want Kazu to have it because you looked happy like you’re never had it before.”

“But Aiba-” He sauntered off to his fort when I was going to hand him back the cup. I shrugged anyways because I knew that Aiba would ignore me until I accepted it. I drank it all until there was barely one drop left and ran into Aiba’s fort.


	9. Sniffle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stay away, you’re contagious.”

"It's not a good idea," I warned him, yet again, as he stood underneath the protruding roof. The nuns had told us earlier this morning specifically not to go out the manor at all times, not even to take a breath of fresh of air, because they couldn't afford anymore of the children getting sick. However, Aiba openly admitted that he wanted to be a part of the sick group, only because he thought that it was fun. And I got dragged into it.  
  
“I don’t want to get sick,” I whined. “Can’t we just go back inside and warm up around the fireplace?”  
  
“But don’t you like getting sick?” Aiba asked enthusiastically as he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the edge. “We stay in bed all day and Kazu likes that.”  
  
“I might have complained-”  
  
“A lot of times.”  
  
“... Whatever. But I don’t want to get sick.”  
  
“Ok,” Aiba shrugged and released his grip on my wrist.  
  
The next thing I knew, Aiba disappeared into the heavy blizzard and came back, sniffling as he shivered in his thin, damp clothing. He tried giving me a hug, but I just pushed him as far away from me and said, “Stay away, you’re contagious.”

///▴\\\\\

  
It’s been three days since Aiba got sick and I was starting to regret that I didn’t go with him. While he hung out with the other contagious kids, which made up for almost a third of our ward, I was stuck with the other healthy kids. I would have out with Jun at the nursery, but neither he and the other rugrats barely understood I word I say, and the nursery was off limits anyways. Well, at least Aiba was having fun laughing and sniffling along with the sick, while I was stuck with an ancient book Father Ohno gave me to “kill time.”  
  
It was about the history of the manor, plus the records of all the staff, nuns, fathers, children, basically anyone or anything that came in and out of the manor. There was one particular part where an article about the land got my attention, but I think it’s only because it reminded me of Aiba. I sighed and closed the book, asking myself why my mind always wanders off to Aiba. What was it that many my head stuck on Aiba Masaki. He wasn’t as bright and he was simple-minded, but his personality outshone everyone else’s and his mind was full of wonders. I growled when I realized that I was thinking about my best friend again.  
  
“Kazu!” I looked up in time to see my best friend rushing towards me with a runny nose, causing the healthy kids running off in fear. “Guess what?!” He yelled excitedly, although I could hear him perfectly fine behind the white mask covering his mouth.  
  
I turned away in anger, but Aiba persisted. “What?” I finally snapped and I immediately regretted it when I saw the hurt in his eyes. That was the second time I’ve acted aggressive towards him since that day I allowed him to bother me. “I-I’m sorry Aiba, I didn’t mean to.”  
  
“It’s ok, Kazu,” Aiba mumbled and looked away, but I was unsure if he forgave me.  
  
“Seriously Aiba. Why don’t you go back in the room and rest. You won’t get better…”  
  
“But I have to show you something!” Aiba looked up suddenly. I could tell he was grinning widely by the way the corner of his eyes crinkled, and the way he failed to wink at me. “I wanna show you something first.” He didn’t spare me a chance to grab Father Ohno’s book when he pulled me up, dragged me through the hallway, and into the boy’s bathroom. What was so special about what he wanted to show me in the boy’s bathroom?  
  
“Close your eyes.”  
  
“I don’t want to.”  
  
“Close it,” Aiba demanded and I wasn’t sure if he was being serious, so I followed his order.  
  
I heard the slight sound of elastic being torn off, and feet shuffling slowly towards me as if he was hesitating. Then I felt Aiba’s warm hands on my shoulder and it became quiet all of a sudden. What was Aiba’s intention? What was it exactly that he wanted to show me so badly? When I felt like opening my eyes to stop curiosity from taking over, something warm and wet was on my lips. At first, I thought that Aiba was trying to shove food in my mouth, but when I took a peek, I saw that Aiba was staring right at me and his face was barely an inch away from minds that I could feel his warm breath on my face. It was totally going against Aiba’s orders, but I opened both my eyes and pushed Aiba aside.  
  
“Why were you…  _kissing_  me?!” I shrieked as I wiped my lips with the back of my hands.  
  
“Because,” Aiba grinned, “Kazu won’t be alone anymore. I never gave him the chance to completely explain himself when I left him in the bathroom and went to our room.  
  
That night, however, I woke up in cold sweat and realized that Aiba had gotten me sick when I heard him giggling silently underneath his covers.


	10. Blankets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was this what he meant when I wouldn’t be lonely anymore?

“Total population: zero,” Aiba reported hoarsely in his failed attempt of mimicking a voice over.  
  
Last night, we accidentally got mingled with the older kids. Apparently, it was their movie night and Aiba begged me to stay with him, thinking that it would be a happy movie. But he made us sit throughout the whole movie about zombies where every survivor died in the end. I could barely sleep a wink last night, and I was still sick, no thanks to him. At this very moment, he was testing my patience.  
  
I still haven’t forgiven him from that night in the boy’s bathroom (someone was kind enough to give the book back to Father Ohno).  
  
“Shut up,” I gritted my teeth in annoyance as he counted out every “dead” bodies in the common room. “We’re not in a zombie movie.”  
  
“Aw, Kazu is grumpy!” Aiba giggled and poked me on the cheek with his ice cold finger.  
  
I swatted his hand away and shot him a glare. “I’m grumpy when I’m sick.”  
  
“Oh, sorry about that.”  
  
“You better be.”  
  
After I told Aiba to go bother someone else (“And maybe make someone sick, too!”) when I couldn’t handle his horrible voice over acting; he sounded like a crazed madman. Aiba was right about one thing: I get to stay in bed all day and have people fetch food for me whenever I was hungry.  
  
But Aiba, even when I desperately begged for him to leave, stayed with me, saying he wasn’t better yet. I highly doubted that because his voice wasn’t as nasally anymore and neither was he sniffling annoyingly loud. At least Aiba wasn’t with the sick kids anymore… was this what he meant when I wouldn’t be lonely anymore? His stories were no longer making sense as I yawned and closed my eyes…  
  
I woke up and it was warmer than usual, and difficult to move underneath the covers. When I turned to my right, I saw Aiba sleeping loudly and mumbling something about flying pigs. But as I watched my silly friend tossing and turning on his bed, I noticed that he only had a slightly thick blanket over him and he wore the jacket from fall. I worried about Aiba and cursed at the selfish brat that stole his blankets.  
  
As I sat up, however, the blankets fell to the floor and my eyes widened as it flattened on the surface. It was Aiba’s extra blanket staring at me from the floor as if mocking me about my crude comments about the thief. Sighing, I picked up the blankets that he lent me and gave it back to its rightful owner. I eventually fell back to sleep again, only to find that when I woke up in the afternoon, Aiba had lent me his blankets again.


	11. Merry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m the worst friend ever…

It was like Jun’s birthday, except it was only the three of us plus Father Ohno and Sakurai-sensei to celebrate Aiba’s 9th birthday on Christmas Eve, while everyone else worried about Christmas. I made him a bigger cupcake as well as the decoration that Jun helped me with by adding in tiny hand prints. The birthday celebration took place in Father Ohno’s office since the dining hall was completely off limits until tomorrow morning.  
  
I’ve never been to Father Ohno’s office. It was the size of the bathrooms we shared per room, but it was cramped from all the occupied shelves of potted plants, clay figurines, and paintings. Aiba had told me about the many species of plants Father Ohno planted, grew, and nursed, but he never told me about Father Ohno’s artistic abilities. I wanted to ask him about the painting he had of Aiba, Jun and me, and when he painted it, but the room became dim and the only light was from the candles on Aiba’s cupcake.  
  
I stood very close to Aiba as we all sang happy birthday, but only it’s because I agreed to.  
  
 _“You know all of us, so what’s there to be afraid of?”  
  
“It’s just that…” He paused and sighed shakily as he grabbed my hands. I’ve never seen Aiba so nervous before, then again I only knew him for five months. “I’ve never celebrated my birthday before.”  
  
I gave him a shocked look. “Not even with your real family?”  
  
Aiba shook his head shyly as a blush formed on his pale cheeks.  
  
“Then we’ll be your family today,” I reassured him with the brightest smile I could manage. He seemed to have calmed down when the shaking stopped, and he smiled back at me through teary eyes._  
  
“Make a wish,” I whispered after we sung to him. As my best friend closed his eyes and made a wish, I wondered if he wished for a unicorn, a robot, or something he always talks about excitedly. But when he looked up from the cupcake, I saw a tear fall down his cheek, but I was the only one who had seen it before he wiped it away.  
  
“Pruhzants!” Jun exclaimed (I witnessed him say my name, but it came out as “Kaazooo”).  
  
“Me first,” Father Ohno volunteered and took out a blue wrapped box from underneath the table.  
  
“What is it?” Aiba asked excitedly as he shook the larger box, but Father Ohno told him that it would only spoil the surprise. He eventually opened the box and he squealed happily as he took out a new bag of gardening tools and packs of seeds. I remember Aiba being a baby about how he would like to have his own tools to use during spring, and I guessed that Father Ohno must have overheard him, or he already knew what to get him. Though I thought that it was odd for Aiba to be so excited about gardening tools instead of toys, but I don’t think he’s ever gotten one.  
  
After setting it aside, Sakurai-sensei gave him a red wrapped box. At the sight of his present, I felt uneasy. Both he and Father Ohno, even Jun who I had helped, had presents the same size as a regular birthday cake while mines was…  
  
“My wife and I picked it specially for you Aiba-kun. And we’ve added in a Christmas present for you as well.”  
  
“Me too,” Father Ohno added in.  
  
“Thank you Sakurai-sensei!” Aiba squealed happily and hugged the doctor from across the table. This time, he skipped the guessing game and opened it right away. Inside a light green box was a new set of stethoscopes and a book about the common house pets.  _Must have been expensive…_  
  
“Bah!” Jun babbled as he walked up to the birthday boy and gave him his present. I found the purple wrapper in one of the teacher’s rooms and used it to wrap the present we made for Aiba. Since Jun didn’t have money, not that we get allowances anyways, we made him a plaster Jun’s hands. It was difficult and time consuming, but it came out perfectly and I just knew that Aiba would love it. When he opened our present - Jun’s present - for him, his eyes twinkled happily and he thanked the toddler.  
  
It was my turn and I felt much more nervous than Aiba had been earlier. I could feel all their eyes on me, expecting me to give Aiba his present. But I held back as I slipped my hands into my pocket and fiddled with the present I got for Aiba a month ago.  
  
 _I didn’t tell Aiba where I was going that afternoon because I didn’t want to spoil his birthday present. I asked an older girl, someone that I trusted and someone who didn’t know Aiba, to escort me to the city because she’s the only one who knew how to get in or out without getting caught._  
  
We visited numerous stores, but I couldn’t find anything that suited Aiba. I thought about buying him an action figure, but he would eventually grow tired of it when he’s older. I also thought about buying him a drawing pad and a few colored pencils, but Aiba already had the school for that. I sighed in defeat when it was getting darker, but the girl tapped me on the shoulder.  
  
“Ninomiya-kun, I have a polaroid camera that I barely use. Why don’t you give that to him?”  
  
I thought about it and wondered if Aiba would like it as a present. Probably to take photos of memories, but doesn’t he already have his brain for that?  
  
“Where’d you get your money anyways?”  
  
“I took it from my house before I came to the orphanage.”  
  
“If I were you, I’d keep that so I could buy something better in the future.”  
  
It wasn’t that bad of a thought. “Ok. Thanks, Ishihara-senpai. I owe you.”  
  
“You don’t owe me anything kid,” she grinned, “friendship is much more important.”  
  
While Father Ohno and Sakurai-sensei spent money for their gifts, I didn’t. It was just a cheap old camera that I got for free without bargain, and also because Ishihara-senpai was kind. Unlike my present, it doesn’t compare to theirs.  
  
“I… don’t have it,” I lied lamely and looked away when I saw the hurt in Aiba’s eyes.  
  
I’m the worst friend ever…  


///▴\\\\\

  
Either us talked to each other last night, but I knew that it was my fault and not his so I deserved his silence. When all the lights were off and everyone was asleep, I sneaked into the common room with a pen in hand. I took Aiba’s present out of my pocket and wrote his name on the simple yellow wrapping. I dared not to put my name on it because it would only make me seem worse. After placing it in between the piles and piles of Christmas presents, I ran back into the room and hid underneath my blankets.  


///▴\\\\\

  
I hid all day from Aiba, Jun, Father Ohno, and Sakurai-sensei all day. I didn’t want to face any of them now and probably forever…  
  
The library books became a friend to me, although I was half-asleep most of the time because it wasn’t as entertaining as…  _Aiba_. So far, I’ve read about ten books, well skimmed it, and it was all on fiction that I knew Aiba liked so much. Just as I was about to read another fiction book about dragons, I heard thundering footsteps echoing in the library and the sound of my name being called out. Luckily for that person, the only one in the library was me and the books.  
  
“Kazu!”  
  
I turned to my right and saw Aiba running  _happily_  towards me with a camera in one hand, and a bag of boxes in the other.  
  
“Y-you’re not mad?”  
  
“I never was,” Aiba said, taking a seat besides me. “I know you gave me this present, Kazu.” He showed me the light green polaroid camera that I was meant to give him yesterday.  
  
“...No I didn’t.”  
  
“I know you did, Kazu. I know your handwriting.”  
  
“I-”  
  
“Thank you! It’s the best present ever!”  
  
“It’s just-” He interrupted me yet again when he pulled me into one of his tight bear hugs. I didn’t know how to respond back and remained frozen as I had before he came.  
  
“Smile!” He released me for a few seconds, and the next thing I knew, a light flashed on my face. I blinked rapidly at the sudden flash and was too distracted to hear Aiba laughing loudly like there was no tomorrow. “Kazu looks so silly!”  
  
“Lemme see,” I called out weakly and tried grabbing for the photo. But Aiba was too quick and he left behind his, Jun’s and, my presents. I rolled my eyes as I picked up our presents and headed back to our room.


	12. Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You look stupid."

It was difficult to keep Aiba from taking photos of me in my most embarrassing moments, especially when I’m taking a nice hot shower in the middle of December. I warned him a couple of times that I’d confiscate the camera, but I went against my own words when I see the happiness in his eyes wash away. Instead, I told him many times to take photos only of Jun, nature, or whatever, besides using me as a subject; he did as I asked, but it only last for a day. Yet as I laid besides Aiba on his bed, underneath his curtain of photos, I never asked him to take it down. I don’t know why, but hearing Aiba’s content sighs as he and I stared at every embarrassing photo he collected.  
  
Strange, I thought as I stared at the collection, there wasn’t a photo of Aiba, he and I, and the three of us together. “Aiba, wanna take a photo together?”  
  
As soon as I finished asking, he sat up right away and had the camera in his hand. “I thought you were never going to ask.”  
  
“Don’t look stupid,” I suggested as I sat up and moved closer until there was no space between us. “Cheese in 3.” Before I counted, I fixed mine and Aiba’s pajamas from wrinkles when the flash suddenly went off.  
  
“I wasn’t ready!” I yelped and took the film when it came out of the camera. This was another one of Aiba’s uncontrollable problems with the camera: his counting basics rarely existed. However, I hadn’t realized that the film was being developed as Aiba and I fought for it.  
  
However, he suddenly jerked to a stop and pointed at the film in my hand. “Kazu’s cute here!”  
  
“Wha-”  
  
His interjection managed to distract me that I hadn’t noticed the film’s disappearance from my hand.  
  
“This is the cutest picture of Kazu yet. Look.”  
  
I was still far away in my own world with Aiba’s earlier words ringing in my ears when something was being waved frantically in front of my face. It was the film, but I could barely see us. I nudged him on the stomach. “Stop waving it around, dummy.”  
  
When he finally stopped and the photo was in front of my face, I was confused. There was nothing cute about me fixing his pajamas when he could have done it himself. Aiba, on the other hand, grinned widely as if he's been prepared way before. "You look stupid."  
  
"No, Kazu look." He pointed at my face in the photo with his long finger, but I still couldn't find it.  
  
"I don't-"  
  
"Kazu's blind," Aiba giggled and brought it closer to my face. “ _Look_.”  
  
“I still don’t-” I closed my mouth when I finally saw it: a smile on my face. I tried remembering if I smiled, tried coming up with a theory as to how that smile got on my face, but nothing came. All there was in my mind was the thought of Aiba that stuck no matter how hard I tried to get him off my mind.  _What’s wrong with me?_  
  
“Do you see it?”  
  
I wanted to say that I did, but my mouth was clamped shut.  
  
Aiba pouted. “Well, it’s ok. I really, really like this photo, Kazu… but you can keep it.”  
  
“Why?” So now it spoke.  
  
“Because…” Aiba paused for a second and I swore I saw a smile I had never seen on Aiba’s face before: it was soft and looked as if he was about to cry, but it must have been my imagination when he looked up with a goofy grin. “It’s worth keeping for Kazu.”  
  
“But it’s yours, and-”  
  
Aiba handed me the photo without a word before he jumped off of the bed and skipped towards the bathroom. Sometimes, I questioned his strange acts of selflessness especially when it came to me. But as I stared at our photo together, the question quickly faded away within a second.


	13. Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knew what he was up to, but I didn’t stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Lyrics credit:yarukizero

During dinner, the eldest nun asked us about what we should decide for our future since New Year’s Day will be in two days. Aiba, of course, couldn’t resist the question and was the first to raise his hand – actually, he was the only kid that raised his hand while the others picked at their food or ignored the nun as if she was the wind. I was amazed at how easily Aiba enthusiastically spilled his future plans and dreams in front of many other eyes and ears. I could barely understand the point Aiba was trying to make in between the rapid and excited speech, but I already knew what he wanted to be: a gardener and a plant scientist who owns a garden that everyone will love.  
  
As soon as he finished, he sat back down and gave me the “I-went-up-so-it’s-your-turn” look. I did tell him before that just because he always volunteers to go up, it doesn’t mean I have to.  
  
“Anyone else?” The nun asked once more as she scanned the apathetic crowd. She, too, had a hopeful mindset like Aiba had.  
  
I tried telling him to stop being so persistent, but he grabbed my arm and raised it up as high as he could. “Kazu wants to say something!”  
  
“No, I-”  
  
“Well, go ahead Ninomiya-kun.”  
  
“I really don’t-”  
  
“Woo, yay Kazu!” Aiba cheered loudly that his voice echoed throughout the mess hall. Sometimes, I hated Aiba’s enthusiasm.  
  
I took a deep breath as I thought about what to say, but nothing came across my mind, not that there was anything in the first place. I played with my fingers as I tried gave in more effort to think of something, but I knew that if I gave a random answer, Aiba would bother me endlessly about something I might not want to do.  _“What’s the one thing you want to do the most?”_  Aiba would ask me if he had the chance right now. The first thought that came into mind was the pile of music sheets I kept hidden underneath my mattress that I have yet to show Aiba. I stopped writing music a few months ago and had completely forgotten it til now.  
  
“A musician,” I answered and sighed in relief, realizing how easy it was to answer.  _Was this how Aiba felt too_?  
  
“What instrument do you play, Ninomiya-kun?”  
  
“…Guitar and vocal.”  
  
“Well, that’s something you don’t hear every year,” the nun smiled softly at me as hope danced in her eyes. Seeing her smile at me in such a way reminded me of my mom and I couldn’t help but look away when I felt stinging in my eyes. I wish it was my mom up there instead.  
  
“Kazu, I never knew you- Kazu, are you OK?” Aiba asked right away in that worried voice of his as soon as I sat back down. I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was feeling down, especially around Aiba because he always seems as if he would like to cry with me, and I would hate to see him cry just because of me.  
  
“Yeah,” I mumbled weakly, which didn’t help at all because Aiba was trying to console me as soon as he heard my voice. “Aiba, I’m-”  
  
It wasn’t words that Aiba used to soothe me, but when I felt his warm hand grab mines underneath the table, I gasped. I suddenly felt warm all over like it was a hot summer day, and my fingers intertwined with Aiba’s by themselves. My troubled thoughts quickly disappeared in an instant.  


 

///▴\\\\\

  
“Wow!” Aiba exclaimed as I handed him my piles of forgotten music sheet. I quickly explained that I used to write music and lyrics because I took music class, before I lost my parents, as an interest, but I stopped when I came to a conclusion that it was useless.  
  
“Kazu, these are all so good,” Aiba praised once he finished looking over them.  
  
“Do you even know how to read music?”  
  
“Of course I do,” Aiba mocked a hurt gasp, “my dad taught me.”  
  
“Your- oh…” If only I had known…Then again, Aiba only talked about his family here and there and he never sounded too happy when he talked about them. From what he told me, his mom disliked him because his father had an affair with a woman, Aiba’s real mom, she hated because of a complicated past. His dad, on the other hand, loved him because he would say that he reminded him of his late mom... that is until he left without a word and Aiba had to suffer cruel words and alienation from his mother. But when his little brother, Yuusuke was born, Aiba had hope. I still don’t know why he’s  _here_ , though.  
  
“I can play the guitar, too, but I’m not so good at singing. You can do that Kazu while I strum the guitar.”  
  
I rolled my eyes.  _Here we go…_  
  
“I can do both myself.”  
  
“Aw… but it would be really fun. I mean think about it. All the songs you and I-”  
  
“I thought you-”  
  
“Sing this song,” he interrupted me as he stretched and grabbed a slightly wrinkled paper. I was able to take a peak of the title and it turned out to be the first song I’ve written: “Caramel Song.” I wrote the song weeks before my parents anniversary, but I didn’t have the guts to sing and I eventually forgot about it. I didn’t feel like singing it now either so I pushed it aside when he passed it onto me.  
  
“I like this song the most,” Aiba mumbled and moved from his bed to mines. “Can you sing it please?”  
  
I shook my head.  
  
“Please?” Aiba begged.  
  
“ _Please_?” He pouted and poked me on the shoulder. “I really wanna hear it.”  
  
“You can sing it can’t you? You can read music anyways.”  
  
“But I don’t know how to deliver it,” Aiba countered. “Besides, I think it suits Nino’s voice better.”  
  
“I-“ I glanced to my side and I saw his bid doe eyes staring at me so desperately. Honestly, it was hard to resist Aiba’s big brown eyes and it was hard not to say, “no.” Sighing, I took the paper from his hand and cleared my throat. I could tell he was excited as he laid on his stomach, planted his elbows on the bed, and placed his chin on his hands.  
  
 _“The square window cuts out a section of the evening sky that's dyed ruby red  
Today grows darker as it's ending　Tomorrow is the day you're setting out on your trip  
  
Kindness always brings along loneliness with it  
Let me close my eyes to the countless memories for now  
  
You've always been my treasure　I love you so much it's ridiculous  
If someday, you'll be able to laugh, I'll wave my hand with all my heart and soul  
  
On a veranda, I saw the lights of the street's stores and houses become brighter  
The vapor trails are flowing by　Is it because of my sigh? ”_  
  
From the corner of my eyes, I noticed that Aiba was staring at me intensely like I was the main character of a play. But then he sat up and moved closer and closer until there was barely space in between us. I felt my voice rise higher, and my body tremble as Aiba’s arm fidgeted awkwardly in between us. I knew what he was up to, but I didn’t stop him.  
  
 _“If "good bye" comes out of my mouth, you'll probably be troubled, won't you?  
I wonder if just by touching your hand next to me, it would be conveyed”_  
  
His hand brushed slightly against mine and I could feel the heat coming off from his skin. It was when I sang the next lines, he slipped his hand into mines and our fingers automatically came together.  
  
 _”Between our tightly gripped hands, the dream you believed starts to come alive_  
I'll never forget you　The sweet evening sky is melting  
  
Stretch out that hand　Twilight isn't here yet  
Grab the stars　Before it draws nearer  
The truth is, I really want to hold on to you...  
  
You've always been my treasure　I love you so much it's ridiculous  
If someday, you'll be able to laugh, I'll wave my hand with all my heart and soul  
  
Between our tightly gripped hands, the dream you believed starts to come alive  
I'll never forget you　The sweet evening sky is melting” *****  
  
I let the paper fall from my hand onto the pile of papers as I slowly moved aside to give Aiba space. He had fallen asleep a few lines before the ending, but I refused to move him from my bed. Besides, there was enough space for the both of us, and enough warmth and blankets for the both of us to share. I made sure not to wake him up as I slipped into the blankets. Our warm bodies combined with the blankets made it much better to sleep with him rather than sleeping by myself. Once my eyes were closed, I tightened my grip on Aiba’s hand.


	14. Melt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Kazu... am I in heaven?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set three years later so not to confuse the sudden time change.

  
I hummed an old song in the silent library as I waited for Masa’s dismissal from detention. I did warn him, so many times, not to sneak off in the middle of class, and in front of the teacher, just to tend to his garden out in the courtyard, no matter how important they are, or if they were “calling his name” so he says. Not even Father Ohno can convince him to take a break from his garden when it was the most convenient.  
  
“Ne, Jun,” I nudged the three year old sitting beside me in a high chair. He was playing with his food, but I think it’s only because he got bored of waiting with me. “Shall we go without Masa?”  
  
Jun shook his head as he lifted his hand and smashed the tiny soft innocent cookie onto another innocent cookie. “No no no no no.”  
  
Hearing Jun trying to speak and the fact that he could understand me helped ease the impatience away by a little bit. Putting Masa aside, I turned the high chair so Jun and I were face to face.  
  
“What’s my name?”  
  
“Ka-zu,” Jun mumbled and smiled, revealing his small set of teeth. “Ka-zu!”  
  
“And what’s the idiot’s name?”  
  
“Ma-sa! Ma-sa!” Jun exclaimed happily as he clapped his hands and crushed more of the cookies in his hands. I couldn’t resist taking a snap of Jun.  
  
“Good job,” I grinned and awarded him with three more cookies, and took another photo.  
  
“Hey, that’s no way to teach a toddler.”  
  
I turned around as soon as I heard the reprimanding voice and saw Masa standing two feet away from me. His eyebrow was arched accusingly as he crossed his arms against his chest, and he tapped his foot against the carpeted floor.  
  
“Fine,” I sighed in defeat, knowing what Masa wanted from me. “What’s  _his_  name?” I asked Jun, to which he replied in Masa’s nickname again.  
  
“Happy?”  
  
A grin easily replaced his frown and he skipped towards me with much energy. “Very,” he replied.

///▴\\\\\

  
“Where was it again you wanted to take me?” Masa asked for the tenth time as I guided him throughout the hallways.  
  
“Now if I said it, wouldn’t it ruin the surprise?”  
  
“Uh… at least a hint?”  
  
“No. Just keep holding onto Jun’s hand, OK? We’re almost there.”  
  
“’K.” Masa kept asking anyways, so there was no point in me asking him to stop anymore. Instead, I chose to ignore him.  
  
It took me all of last month to set it up, but thanks to Sakurai-sensei’s, Father Ohno’s, and the nun’s contributions, I was able to finish it in time before it was time for the snow to leave. It was a major project that I had to nearly fail all my classes, but I knew just how happy it would make Masa once he saw it.  
  
“Kazu~ Where-"  
  
“We’re here,” I gritted my teeth and finally released my hands from his eyes. “If I knew you were going to be this annoying, I never would have done it.” Masa completely ignored me, though, as he gasped and awed and sighed loudly.  
  
"Kazu... am I in heaven?"  
  
"No, Masa you're-" I stopped myself when I saw Masa smiling upwards with his eyes closed. His cheeks were slightly wet, but I couldn't tell if he cried or if it was the melted snow coming from the skylight above. I didn't know which was beautiful to see: Masa's smile or his garden shining and glistening under the greenhouse. I felt my finger push on the button, capturing Masa’s attention.  
  
He turned to face me and I quickly looked away when I realized that I was staring. "Kazu, it's absolutely wonderful. I love it."  
  
I scratched the back of my head as I kicked tiny pebbles to nowhere. "W-well I didn't give you anything for your 13th birthday so I figured I'd use this old greenhouse..."  
  
"Silly Kazu," Masa giggled and ran towards me with a goofy grin, "I already have what I want."  
  
"And what's that sup-"  
  
I almost fell back when Masa suddenly wrapped his arms around me. I felt him tremble slightly against me as he tightened his grip and buried his head deeper into the hollow of my neck. It surprised me that Masa remained quiet when usually he talked endlessly, even when we were at our closest moments. I decided not to say anything, or scold him even for suffocating me. Instead, I returned his embrace as I watched the melted snow pool onto the cement.


	15. Dew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't answer because I couldn't find one and I was shocked from his confession to say anything coherent.

Masa spent most of his free time in his greenhouse, singing and praying for his plants’ healthy growth. Sometimes, Jun and I left him alone because Masa mostly ignored us and talked to his plants instead – he even named a yellow tulip after me and a purple tulip after Jun. However, Masa sometimes noticed our absence and would come looking for us like a lost puppy searching for his owners.

On some days, the three of us spent it outside, getting dirt and scratches from head to toe. Or at school, completely bored out of our heads (luckily for Jun, he was at the nursery probably playing with toys or taking a cat nap). Or in the common room, watching the early spring showers fall from the gray skies.

But on most days, whenever Jun took a two hour nap, Masa and I locked ourselves in the oldest part of the main building, away from everyone else. I spent most of our free time, teaching Masa how to play the guitar correctly and improving his vocals. When I felt that he was ready, we jammed it out together and sang our hearts out.

But today was different. Father Ohno decided to take a few group of us middle schoolers to go grocery shopping for his bakery; I didn't mind going at all, but Father Ohno always happened to pick Masa and I.

We went on a round about trip throughout the neighborhood, trying to find the groceries that had the exact ingredients Father Ohno wanted. However, it just so happened that we stopped by a grocery with a flower shop as its next door neighbor; Masa was the first to leave the bus.

"Wow, Kazu! Look at all these flowers," Masa squealed and pointed at almost every flower in the shop. I had to apologize to the store owner and everyone else who gave him amused glances. "Look at this one!" He squealed as he ran towards pots of yellow roses. Usually, prebuscent teens our age were excited for video games, but Masa was a different kind of kid who, at the sight of even thr tiniest plant, jumped up and down as pure happiness danced in his brown eyes.

"I wanna call this one Kazu."

"But you already have a tulip named after me."

"This one is Kazu! It's yellow and very thorny..." he paused for a moment and bent down so he was the same level as the roses, "but it's beautiful, just like Kazu." I quickly bent down when Masa grinned at me, and I have no idea why my cheeks burnt.

I could hear Masa ooh-ing and ah-ing as he examined the roses and named each and every one of them after me. He stopped when he reached the only rose that had the tiniest of dews on its petals. His giggling fit caught my attention that when I turned my head, our eyes met right away.

"I can actually see you on the petals," Masa pointed out, "can you move aside a little bit?" Our eyes were still in contact as I obeyed his words, and I felt more nervous everytime I slowly moved to the designated spot.

"Oh! I see you!" Masa exclaimed and giggled. "I want to buy this rose for my garden."

"Masa, you already have enough-"

"Nii-chan?..."

I looked up and saw a little boy, a few years older than Jun, staring wide eyed at Masa. There was hope and happiness in the boy's eyes as he continued to stare at Masa, but Masa wasn't looking at him, or anything but the floor. It was then when I knew who the boy was.

"Masa, he's- Masa!" He ran past me, past his little brother, and a startled woman. I thought Masa would have been happy to see his brother again after being apart for three years, but instead Masa ran from him and didn't even look back when he was being called so desperately.

I found him right away, crunched up into a ball on the last seat in the bus. "Masa... you're little brother, Yuusuke, he's-"

"I know!" Masa cried. "But I don't want to see or talk to him anymore. I promised myself that."

"But Masa-"

"I ran away, OK?! And I know he hates me, so what's the point?"

I didn't answer because I couldn't find one and I was shocked from his confession to say anything coherent. Instead, I claimed the empty spot besides him and placed my hand on his soft brown hair.


	16. Plant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I did this for nothing?

Before Jun and Masa, everyday used to be a bore and a repeat of the day before. However, when Jun came, I had somebody to look after, to worry about and to have new experiences with. When Masa came, every day was a new day and it was filled with his loud and annoying laughter, his long nonsensical stories, and simply his presence was enough. But I couldn't stand against Masa unbearable silence, even if it's only been a few hours. I tried making him laugh by humiliating myself in front of many others and I didn't care if people laughed behind my backs, or if Jun mocked me. What I wanted was for Masa just to smile, to laugh again and everything will be alright.  
  
"Jun, Masa's an idiot, am I right?!"  
  
The toddler giggled and nodded his head frantically as he shook Masa's arm - at least someone was having fun.  
  
"C'mon Masa. You can't sulk all day, they're not here anymore."  
  
"Ma-sa!" Jun screeched and shook his arm again. "Sshimre! Sshimre!"  
  
I frowned when Masa turned his head away. "I don't think Masa will listen to us. Come, Jun." I figured that if the both of us left, Masa would snap out of it and forget what happened earlier at the flower shop. However, as Jun and I slowly walked away from Masa, he didn't budge at all. I decided not to leave because it was hard to do it in the first place. Instead, we stayed besides Masa, right beside the ten foot window.

///▴\\\\\

  
I sighed as I watched Jun throw colorful toys here and there without a care in the world. Sometimes, I envied Jun for his ignorance, but he could barely speak or understand the situation at hand. "What do you think we should do?" I asked the aggressive toddler, to which he easily ignored and babbled my name loudly like a motorboat. "Didn't think you would understand anyways..."  
  
"What's the matter, Ninomiya-kun?"  
  
I didn't have to look up to know that it was Sakurai-sensei. He's been worried about Masa's health the past few days that he kept bothering me about getting Masa to eat and sleep regularly for the past two days.  
  
"Is it true? That Masa ran away?"  
  
"Ninomiya-kun, I really can't tell you about that..."  
  
"But he's my best friend! And... and he's never told me... so I have the right to know."  
  
"Ninomiya-kun, it's-"  
  
The thought of Masa never telling me his story about how he came to the orphanage angered me, but I hadn't had the heart to ask him. Every opportunity I get, I always shot the question down because it might not be something Masa wants to have a seat and talk about as he cried.  
  
“But I have to know! I want to make things right so Masa can smile again and be an idiot.”  
  
“Ninomiya-kun, I think it’s better if you asked him yourself, and do you think sulking will help Aiba-kun get better.”  
He had a good point, but I’ve tried everything to help Masa, but- No, I haven’t tried everything. Back in the flower shop, Masa said he wanted to buy the rose for his garden, but he never had the chance to. Perhaps, if I got it for him, his bad memories will go away. “Sakurai-sensei!”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I know something that can cheer him up, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.”  
  
“Well, I really can’t promise if you’re doing something to jeopardize Aiba-kun’s health.”  
  
“Don’t worry, he won’t be a part of it. Now the plan is…”

///▴\\\\\

  
It took me a while sneak away from the security, not that there was enough grunts anyways, and convincing to head to the city. Sakurai-sensei was hesitant at first, but he eventually agreed when I told him that it would bring Masa back to normal. Father Ohno, on the other hand, approved of it right away and wished me luck (I wondered how Father Ohno became the owner of the orphanage in the first place). Their role was to pretend that I was sick and that I would spend the whole school day in the infirmary so not to raise anyone’s suspicions; Jun especially, because he always looked for me in the middle of the day.  
  
I followed the path to the flower shop, and I found it right away. It was nearly empty unlike the last time I came, but the same store owner was still there. As soon as she saw my face, she gasped and reached for the phone before I told her that I was sent to buy a bouquet. She accepted my story, and I was glad that she didn’t ask questions.  
  
“I’d like to buy the yellow roses, please.”  
  
“The yellow roses…” She mumbled as she left the counter, coming back a few seconds later with a sympathetic smile. “Is it for your friend the other day?” She asked and I nodded my head right away. “Oh, I’m sorry, but we’ve run out.”  
  
“Really?” I sighed dejectedly.  _So I did this for nothing?_  
  
“But, I do have something for you.”  
  
I looked up with hope in my eyes.  
  
“I have the seeds for those roses, and it’s on the house.”  
  
“Really, I- Thank you!” I almost cried as she quickly went to the back and came out with a small beige pouch. I felt like dancing out of happiness in front of her, but I held it back and thanked her once again. With the small pouch in my hand, I ran back to the manor and hoped that Masa would finally be himself again.

///▴\\\\\

  
I was no expert, but I finally planted the seeds, right where Masa would have wanted them to be. It was right underneath the skylight, where the sun hits the empty patch of soil. I quickly ran to our room where I knew Masa would be right after school. As soon as I saw him, I grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him to his greenhouse.  
  
“Masa, I did it.”  
  
He didn’t reply.  
  
“I got the roses for free and – well they really aren’t roses right now, but I planted them. Right over-”  
  
“Stupid.”  
  
My mouth clamped shut when I heard the voice I’ve been waiting to hear for the past two days. I turned around in time to see that Masa was smiling once again, except he had tears in his eyes. “Masa…”  
  
“You’re so stupid, Kazu. Sakurai-sensei and Father Ohno… they told me what you did.”  
  
“It was supposed to be-”  
  
“But I’m the stupid one, Kazu. I’m such a bad person, aren’t I?”  
  
“No, you’re not. You’re Aiba Masaki, how can you be such a bad person?”  
  
“Because-”  
  
“The past is past,” I reminded him. “And I could never imagine Masa-”  
  
It was like on the first day when I presented Masa the greenhouse, except this time the both of us fell on the slightly muddy soil. Masa was extremely heavy, but I dared not to make a sound, or reprimand him for attacking me so suddenly.  
  
“Kazu… are you my family?”  
  
I didn’t know what to say, or how to even respond, but my mouth spoke on its own. “O-of course!”  
  
“Jun too?”  
  
“Why wouldn’t we be?”  
  
“Good,” Masa sighed and tightened his arms around my neck. “Good…”  
  
We stayed in that position for as long as I could count, thinking about Masa’s words. “Family,” I mumbled under my breath. I’ve almost forgotten that word altogether because I always thought that family is when you have your parents, and possibly some siblings. But I’ve only been able to experience it for eight years until… until…  
  
“Masa, get up,” I groaned as I tried to push my friend off. “You’re really heavy, you know that?” As much as I tried to get him off, however, he did not budge, or even move when I poked his sides several times.  
  
“Masa?” I was about to poke him again when I heard a faint snore. “At such a time…” I chuckled when I couldn’t bring myself to be mad at him. Why would I? At least I knew he was himself again, and it was better than not having Masa.  
  
“Family,” I mumbled once again as I took a deep breath and breathed in the coconut scent coming from Masa’s brown hair.


	17. Patience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how far away we are separated / We are tied together by an unseen power.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Lyrics credit: yarukizero

“Kazu juniors, my babies” Masa sang as he poked at the patch of soils, right where I had planted the rose seeds. “When will you bud?”  
  
For the past week, Masa’s been visiting the greenhouse, watering the seeds I had planted for him. Every day, he talked or sang to them, saying that it would help them grow and some science mumbo-jumbo stuff that I stopped paying attention to.  
  
After watering the seeds, he grabbed the school’s guitar sitting beside him and sang them the only song he composed “Friendship.” He said the song was meant for the friendship he, Jun and I shared, but I never would have thought that he’d use it for the roses.  
  
As he sang, I sat beside him and sang along in a softer voice as we swayed from side to side.  
  
 _“I wonder how many miracles piled up for us to meet like this_  
 _It's embarrassing so I can't really say it, but in my heart, I shout, "Thank you for everything"_  
  
 _In a scrum, if you push your way through, there's no obstacle that you can't get through_  
  
 _It overflows in my heart　In the pattern of dreams that didn't come true_  
 _Your innocent smile is absolutely reflected there_  
 _Let's chase those unforgotten feelings from those days anywhere_  
 _On a destined five-way junction, make a connection to one and keep going_  
  
 _Even if you lie down and wait for a miracle, nothing will happen　Go to greet it_  
  
 _Prepared to risk it all, if you do what you can, even if you don't get a reward, you won't regret it_  
  
 _It overflows in my heart　In the pattern of dreams that didn't come true_  
 _Your smiling face with tears that touches me is also reflected there_  
 _Let's chase it anywhere, although there are things you can't laugh about_  
 _A destined meeting and a dream that hasn't changed in the slightest from that day_  
  
 _No matter how far away we are separated_  
 _We are tied together by an unseen power_  
  
 _It overflows in my heart　In the pattern of dreams that didn't come true_  
 _Your innocent smile is absolutely reflected there_  
 _Let's chase those unforgotten feelings from those days anywhere_  
 _On a destined five-way junction, make a connection to one and keep going”_ *****  
  
As soon as the song was over, Masa laid on his stomach and asked me to do the same.  
  
“When do you think they’ll grow?” Masa asked me as he yawned and leaned against me.  
  
“Soon, I hope.”  
  
“OK. ‘Cause I can’t wait anymore…”  
  
“But you’ll have to Masa, it’s the way- Masa, you can’t sleep here!” I scolded my best friend when I heard light snoring coming from his mouth. I pushed him, kicked him even, but he continued to snore lightly as I tried to push him off of me.


	18. Grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masa knew me too well.

The sun had barely risen when I felt the familiar warmth of Masa’s fingers on my face. I pretended to be asleep for some reason, allowing the comfort of Masa’s gentle touch to soothe the irritation from waking up early. He left his fingers on my cheeks for only a moment when he screamed loudly into my ears; it was a good thing we both had our own rooms.  
  
My eyes shot open and the first thing I saw was Masa’s worried face hovering closely over mines. I could no longer feel the warmth of his fingers and my irritation remained. Was it just a dream? This was the fourth night that I’ve had the same dream over and over again, except Masa’s touch felt real every time. The first night I had it, I asked him if he was messing around with me the following morning and he immediately denies it with an awkward smile. I took Masa’s word for it, and decided not to bother him about it again.  
  
I slapped his hands away from my shoulders and pulled my covers over my head, but my hands couldn’t find them. Masa knew me too well.  
  
“Kazu, I wanna show you something!” Masa screamed excitedly into my ears and I couldn’t hear the next few words after.  
  
“If I said yes, will you shut up?”  
  
Masa’s mouth came to an immediate close as a happy grin easily replaced it.  
  
It was still dark out when we entered the greenhouse. I could barely see a thing, but Masa’s warm hand kept me from tripping on my face. I shielded my tired eyes from the sudden brightness and all I could hear was his excited gasps as he pulled me along with him.  
  
“Kazu, they’ve grown.”  
  
“Who now?”  
  
“You’ve already forgotten? Kazu juniors!”  
  
“Oh right, yeah. Sorry, Masa. I’m just brain dead right now because someone woke me up at an ungodly hour.”  
  
“They’ve become beautiful buds,” Masa ignored me and pulled me down along with him as he crouched.  
  
“I’m so proud of our Kazu juniors.”  
  
I’ve stopped badgering Masa about using my name for every yellow flower in his garden since it was impossible to stop him in the first place. Besides, given that everything here was mostly green, I named all of them after Masa for his green thumb.  
  
Kazu juniors, within four weeks, grew quickly under Masa’s care and I hadn’t noticed how much it changed until now. What started as an empty patch of soil was now a bush of countless budded yellow roses. They looked completely healthy and ready to bloom right this moment; unfortunately the sun wasn’t out yet.  
  
“Thanks, Kazu.”  
  
“You’re-” I was cut off when I felt chapped lips land on my left cheek, and Masa’s arms wrapping around me so tightly. I wanted to tell him to stop, but the words were stuck in my throat. Although I couldn't explain exactly why I liked the feel of Masa’s lips and why my heart raced like a stampede of horses.


	19. Bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masa makes me feel like I'm losing my head.

No one understood Masa’s quirky personality except Father Ohno, Sakurai-sensei, Jun and I. Everyone always turned their heads when Masa’s laugh echoed down the hall or when he and Jun ran down the hallways playing tag first thing in the morning. At the end of the day, everyone says Masa’s a big goof ball or that one kid who liked attention. However, no one knew him better than I did: Masa’s just full of life.  
  
That thought ran through my head within a second while Masa’s lips lingered a second longer on my cheeks. I’ve never seen Masa kiss anyone on the cheek, even if he was the friendliest person in this whole entire building. Did it mean anything special, that I’m the only Masa would do this to? Or was it because Masa had feelings—  
  
I shook my head. There was no way that Masa would have those kinds of feelings towards me. The sisters always told us that love is only shared between man and woman, therefore same gender relationships were forbidden. I shook my head again at the thought of Masa getting punished. However, the image wouldn’t go away. As it progressed, Masa’s face suddenly morphed into mines and I could see tears streaming down my face. I was yelling, apologizing, begging even to be forgiven, yet the punishment continued. Just as I was about to yell again, I was taken back into reality.  
  
I saw Masa’s face full of concern for me, his eyes searching my face for answers.  
  
“You started squirming and screaming and I was scared that a bug bit you. Are you OK?”  
  
I was unable to answer for a minute as I stared into Masa’s round brown eyes. What if… what if I was the one who had feelings for him? Silently I nodded, as if I answered my own thoughts, although Masa took it as a good sign and grinned from ear to ear.  
  
“Good,” Masa sighed in relief. “I want some ice cream. Wanna come get some with me?”  
  
I nodded yet again, as if confirming that my feelings for Masa were real. However, Masa’s grin grew wider as he pulled me up by force and dragged me along with him. As we walked towards the kitchen, my eyes were directed on Masa’s hand tightly holding mines. I felt my cheeks burn and my chest tighten as I took in the image before me. Maybe I was losing my head, or maybe I’ve been around Masa for too long. I decided not to ponder on it for too long as soon as Masa handed me a popsicle stick. Maybe, I’ll make more sense tomorrow.

///▴\\\\\

  
It didn’t help when the morning after, Masa dragged me to greenhouse. As he skipped to his roses, my heart skipped. When I heard him scream gleefully, my heart screamed excitedly. As he sat peacefully besides the rose bush, smiling softly, whispering of how proud he was of them. That was when I knew: Masa was the happiness in my life and I can’t live without him.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Green is my favorite color!"

Spring was just around the corner and I was glad because I couldn’t stand the cold any longer. However, it was still cold and I absolutely refused to step out of manor, or my bed for that matter.  
  
Masa seemed to be the only one enjoying the weather seeing the way he jumped excitedly on his bed. “Come on! We  _have_  to go out. The grass is bright green, the sky is awesome, and I’m sure it’s warm!”  
  
I groaned. “And what does that have to do with me?”  
  
“Well, you’re my best friend and I wanna share the sight with you duh,” Masa said in a-matter-of- fact tone. “Besides, green is my favorite color!”  
  
I turned my head to take a look at him. He had the brightest smile, brighter than the sun that I had to look away. It wasn’t because it blinded me. It was because I felt my heart racing fast against my chest and I thought it was going to burst the longer I kept my eyes on him. I swear…Masa makes me crazy.  
  
“F-fine,” I finally gave in. “It better be warm or I’m going back in.” What I didn’t tell him was that I was already warm from seeing his smile earlier…  
  
Masa sighed in awe as we walked out of the manor. It was cold, but I felt a change of mind to stay with Masa. I searched the main grounds and noticed that it was only just us two; the others were probably enjoying their Saturday in their beds or having hot cocoa besides the fireplace. I used to be just like the others, not giving a care about the outside world. I always thought it was something that was just there and that it had nothing to do with me. Since Masa came, I saw the world differently and sometimes I couldn’t wait for an adventure; there was always something new when it came to Masa.  
  
“No, you’re not lying on the grass,” I managed to say when I saw that Masa was kneeling on the grass. “I brought a blanket.”  
  
“Aw, you’re no fun Kazu,” Masa pouted. I looked away; his facial expressions were beginning to become unbearable. “But it is a bit wet. Thanks, Kazu!”  
  
Once I finished setting up the blanket, Masa and I claimed our sides. It wasn’t comfortable to say the least, but it was definitely better than what Masa had in mind.  
  
For once, Masa was calm. He wasn’t speaking hurriedly and excitedly or finding ways to bother me somehow. He was quiet that I almost thought he was no longer besides me until I turned to look at him. He had a calm expression and a slight smile playing on his lips. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking at all.  
  
“Kazu.”  
  
I felt as if I was in a trance the longer I stared at Masa. The longer I stared, I felt as if was falling in deeper and it didn’t feel as bad. It felt more of like falling down onto a sea of pillows.  
  
“Kazu.”  
  
I just wanted to reach my hand out and—  
  
I jumped when I felt a warm hand take mines. I hadn’t realized that I was actually reaching out for Masa.  
  
“I-I was… uh… you were… uh um…” I couldn’t speak for the life of me and I sound so stupid.  
  
“Kazu, thank you.”  
  
“I—wait, what?”  
  
“I know you always get pissed off or annoyed of me, but you still do whatever with me. If it was someone else, I would be alone. So thank you, Kazu. You’re so important to me and Jun-kun, too.”  
  
“I—you’re welcome,” was all I managed to say. I wanted to tell him, too, how important he is to me, but I couldn’t say it.  
  
“Yay!” Masa grinned, his eyes sparkling happily. Seeing him happy made me happy, too.  
  
“Look, it’s a dog!” He pointed to a faint cloud innocently passing by. “I used to have a dog,” Masa murmured quietly. He must have thought that I didn’t notice the hurt in his voice and the pained expression on his face before he replaced it with a smile.  
  
“Then we’ll get a dog,” I told him.  
  
Masa’s eyes brightened as he turned his head to face me. “Really?!”  
  
“Really,” I smiled. “You, Jun, me, and a cute fluffy dog in our own house. Also, our grass is going to be this green.”  
  
Masa groaned. “Can we grow up now, then, please?!”  
  
I laughed at Masa’s impatience. But I, too, wanted to grow up soon and get out of here. Then we can start a family of our own and—  
  
My eyes widened. What was I thinking? Masa and I have a very, very close friendship and it wasn’t going to be more than that. We’ll just live together as best of friends and nothing more. But somehow, the thought of Masa and I being in a relationship kept making its way in and my stomach felt funny in a good way. It didn’t get better when Masa tightened his hand around mines. I hadn’t realized he had never let go of my hand.


	21. Pouring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rain, rain go away."

For the whole week, it rained so we had no choice but to stay indoors. I was absolutely fine with it, but I could tell Masa and Jun weren’t. They kept complaining about how they couldn’t run as freely indoors compared to being outside, and they felt like they were in prison (Jun just kept copying Masa complain). The two amused me and it was fun seeing them that way.  
  
“Can’t you do something about it Kazu?”  
  
“Pfft like I’m a weather god,” I laughed. “I can’t do anything about it.”  
  
“Aww OK. Then Jun and I will do something about it. Come with us.”  
  
“No. I’m trying to enjoy being in bed. It’s so warm and I like it here.”  
  
“But that’s what you’ve been doing all week,” Masa whined. “Please, we need you.”  
  
“No. You can’t do anything about the rain, anyway. Just stay here with me and we can play or something.”  
  
“I will! Only if you come with us,” Masa begged. “I promise, it’ll be fine.”  
  
I groaned as I rolled my eyes. There was no end to Masa’s persistence and he would keep bothering me. Nevertheless, I was getting bored of staying in my bed the whole day and I had nothing better to do. In the end, I decided to follow them.  
  
We ended up in Masa’s greenhouse. Some flowers were ready to bloom while others showed off their vivid colors. Seeing the bloomed flowers were a change of sight compared to the gloomy clouds the whole week. They told me to sit beside the rose bed, wait, and to close my eyes. I had a feeling that something silly was going to happen.  
  
“Now open your eyes, Kazu!”  
  
I opened them and I wished I hadn’t. In front of me was Masa and Jun wearing umbrella caps. Where they got that I don’t want to know, but they looked absolutely silly along with the towel cape slung on their backs.  
  
“Rain, rain go away!” Masa began, his voice cracking as he sang.  
  
“Come again, ‘nother day!” Jun continued.  
  
“Or never come at all!” Masa added in, a silly grin displayed on his face.  
  
“And what did I have to do with this?” I asked them as they danced around me.  
  
“You dance with us,” Masa said. “We need the power of three people for the rain to actually go away.”  
  
I laughed at Masa’s silly theory. “It’s not going to work, and I’ve never heard of this technique.”  
  
“Well we say it is, and it’s not going to be complete unless you join in. Right, Jun?”  
  
The toddler nodded gleefully as he danced with awkward movements. “Kazu, join!”  
  
I rolled my eyes. “Well if Jun says so, I’ll do it.”  
  
“Yay!” The two yelled excitedly. “You have to sing, too,” Masa added in. “And then it will be complete.”  
  
“Fine, I will.”  
  
I sang and danced with them and I’m glad there was on one else here to see how silly we were. No one would understand anyway. Still, it was fun especially with the two of them. So what if we looked silly or stupid, at least we were being… us. Just the us that I love.


	22. Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know it sounds crazy, but I want to try it.”

It was forecasted that the rain would finally stop today, but it seems as if it was never going to let up. It was still pouring like crazy out there and I was completely fine with that. In fact, as soon as school is over, I will bury myself underneath my blankets and stay there the whole day; homework can wait.  
  
Masa, on the other hand, wanted the rain to go away. He complained about how he was tired of being cooped up inside the Manor with a hundred other kids, and then being forced to read or do something boring. I told him it wasn't that bad because Sakurai-sensei barely bothered us about having a new scratch, or when one of us were getting sick. But I knew very well that Masa loved getting new scratches (battle scars, he called) and sometimes he would say that getting sick was kind of worth it as long as our adventures were super, duper fun. Well, he had a point. I was getting a bit tired of staying inside all day. Besides, it was Masa who made me enjoy the outdoors more.  
  
Masa and I usually ate lunch by the stairs to the second floor. It was almost, always, usually empty and it was the only place we found where we were able to talk privately. Well, I dragged him there because I didn't like being around other students. Today, however, I showed up first. Usually, Masa would already be there because his classroom was near the stairs.  
  
I knew I should have picked him up from his classroom as soon as the lunch bell rang, but I didn't feel like it. Instead, I ate alone, hoping that Masa would eventually show up, but he never did.  
  
I finished lunch earlier that I had intended because I wanted to look for Masa. The school wasn't that big, so I probably would find him right away. First, though, I stopped by his classroom on the second floor. I recognized a few faces, those who lived with us back at the Manor, while others were simply strangers. However, I couldn’t find Masa’s face among the crowd.  
  
All of a sudden, a girl stood before me. She had a shy smile on her face, but I could tell that she was very outgoing with how she wore her skirt above her knee. “Are you looking for Aiba-chan? He’s told me a lot about you, Ninomiya-kun. How you’re his best friend, and all.”  
  
For some reason, this girl ticked me off. Something about how her eyes twinkled when she mentioned Masa’s name. Perhaps, does she…  
  
“Aiba-chan is cute,” the girl continued. “Do you think you could give me his number? I tried asking him already, but he kept saying he doesn't have a phone. He’s probably just playing hard to get.”  
  
Now she pissed me off.  
  
I slammed my hand against the door frame, harder than I had originally intended to, but it startled the girl and her stupid smile vanished. I felt the the corner of my lip pull to a smirk. “Masaki’s not interest and he really doesn’t have a phone. Now, tell me where he is.”  
  
“H-he ran off,” the girl stuttered as if she was suddenly intimidated by me. “He said he was going to the field, but he forgot his umbrella.”  
  
I glared at her angrily for being so thick-minded. “And you didn’t stop him?”  
  
“I--”  
  
“Where’s his umbrella?”  
  
The girl turned slightly to the right and pointed at a locker plastered in green paint. I pushed past her, not giving her the chance to speak when I saw she was going to open her mouth. There was a locker combination and it wasn’t that hard to figure out because Masa told me that he used my birthday as a combination for his lock. After I retrieved his green folding umbrella, I closed the locker door shut and ran past the annoying girl.  
  
I wasn’t thinking when I ran from the comforting warmth of the school to the coldness of the spring shower. I needed my jacket and scarf to keep me warm, but my class was down the hall from Masa’s classroom and it would be a waste of time to go back for it. I groaned in frustration after deciding to the field instead. I was more worried about Masa than myself at the moment.  
  
It didn’t take long for me to find the grass field and Masa running around the center of the field like he lost his mind. He looked like an idiot -- no, he was a complete idiot to begin with -- running around, his arms raised at the gray skies as he shouted something I wasn’t able to hear quite well.  
  
“Masa, have you lost your mind?!” I yelled angrily as I kept up with him in the rain. “You’re soaking wet. Get under the umbrella.  _Now._ ”  
  
But Masa wasn’t listening to me, even when he stopped running. He kept staring at the gray skies and he shouted again. “Rain, why must you ruin my fun! You’re supposed to stop today so Kazu, Jun and I could play outside!”  
  
“Masa, enough. You’re--”  
  
“I want to have fun with Kazu, hold his hands even though he’s shy about it, and tell him--” Masa paused all of a sudden and I thought something was wrong. I was so distracted with my worry that I didn’t notice Masa was staring at me.  
  
“And tell him that I really, really like him.”  
  
All of a sudden, Masa’s umbrella was knocked away from my hand as I fell on the soaking grass. It took me a few seconds to adjust my eyes from the sudden brightness and I hadn’t realised that it finally stopped raining. And I hadn’t noticed that Masa had me pinned down underneath him until I felt tiny drops of water land on my face.  
  
“Kazu, I know I’m an idiot, but I can’t keep it in anymore. I kept telling myself that it was only because you’re my childhood friend that holding hands was the only thing I was limited to.  
  
“I decided, when we were 10m that we'd be forever best friends. Until recently, I wanted to be with you forever, with Jun too, of course. Not as a friend, but something more than that. I know it sounds crazy, but I want to try it.”  
  
I was speechless. I couldn’t tell if this was the Masa I knew at heart of ir ti was another Masa from some alternate universe. This Masa seemed much more mature as if he already had his life planned out before him. Not the easy-going Masa who had many nonsensical things to say.  
  
However, on the other hand, I didn’t know how to reply. Masa was able to tell me his feelings while I kept them hidden since the beginning of this year. I envied his confidence in everything, but that’s what made me more attracted towards him. At least, I now knew how he felt for me. Somehow, it made me feel more confident about how I truly felt for him. I’m not going to hide it anymore.  
  
I pushed Masa so he was the one pinned underneath me instead. “then I’m crazy, too, if I want to try it.”  
  
It felt refreshing to see Masa’s wide smile again that I couldn’t help but smile myself…  
  
“Now, about that annoying girl in your class…” I began as we walked to the nurse’s room. “I don’t know her name, but she’s this--”  
  
“Oh, you mean Suzuki-chan?”  
  
“Yeah, her. Stay away from her. I don’t like her at all.”  
  
Masa punche me lightly on the arm and laughed heartily. “You mean you’re jealous.”  
  
“I-I… um… yeah…” I turned from Masa’s playful glances when I felt my cheeks grow hot. It was a first for me to admit jealousy, but at least I could finally open up to him about it.  
  
“Don’t worry, there was nothing in the first place,” Masa reassured. “Besides, now I know you like me, too, because you didn’t say it earlier.”  
  
As I was about to complain, however, I felt Masa’s lips land briefly on my cheeks before he ran off. I froze and I could definitely feel my blood boiling inside of me. It was a good feeling. A very,  _very_  good feeling. Then I felt the corner of my lips curl into a smile. A real, genuine smile.  
  
I was definitely looking forward to the future.


	23. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could see him blush faintly in the moonlight shining through our window and I couldn’t help but peck him on his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set five years later so not to confuse the change.

We kept it as a secret that not even Jun, Father Ohno, Sakurai-sensei knew about us, but it was fine with us because we we’re happy with each other. Well, it was partly because we were afraid of being shunned from the Manor because of religion and what it said about our relationship, how wrong and sinful it was. Nevertheless, we didn’t care as long as we had each other.  
  
Sometimes, Masa would sneak into my bed at night. He would tell me a lame excuse about how it was cold, but we both knew it was only so he could be closer to me. Since we couldn’t be like this in the day time, we had to wait until it was bedtime for everyone.  
  
“I like this. Us, I mean,” Masa mumbled as he hugged me from the front and snuggled closer until I could feel his body warmth. “How long has it been? Five years?”  
  
I nodded my head gently so my chin wouldn’t hurt him. “I like us, too.”  
  
“Kazu…” Masa breathed as he pulled himself from me slightly and squirmed up so he we were facing each other. During the day time, I saw a very cheery and crazy Masa who still seemed like an excited little boy for his age. But at night, I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by his beauty, attracting me even more as I stared into his deep brown eyes. I knew what he wanted from me and I wanted it as well.  
  
“We’re already seventeen, Kazu,” Masa began, his eyes pleading with want. “We’re not like the careless kids we used to be.” Masa had a point, but he felt like they should wait a little more. Besides, once they start there won’t be an end to it and the craving would only become stronger.  
  
“I know, but can’t it wait till we’re out of here? What if someone walked in, and—“  
  
“Trust me, I know no one would. Not tonight.”  
  
I tilted my head to the side.  _What did he— Oh…_  
  
“So you’re the one who got the Head Nun sick?” I could imagine Masa smirk once I had realized it.  
  
Once, when we were kids, we learned that the Head Nun was allergic to mushrooms due to an accident in the kitchen. The only way we were able to get her off our backs was to expose her to mushroom and she’d be sent to the hospital. We were guilty, of course, but it was only because she kept lecturing us about having fun and why it was so dangerous.  
  
Earlier this afternoon, the Head Nun was escorted out of the Manor on a stretcher by a group of four paramedics. He remembered hearing how the Head Nun ate lunch and didn’t know that there were mushrooms inside of her soup.  
  
“I feel like a proud teacher,” I laughed. “So who’s checking in on us for tonight?”  
  
“Father Ohno. We all know that he falls asleep on his shifts all the time, though.”  
  
“Oh, that’s just great!” I laughed harder and held onto my stomach as tears began to form on the corner of my eyes. I felt like I had created an evil genius --  _my evil genius._  
  
Once our laughter died down, we faced each other again. True, we weren’t kids anymore and that we were free to do  _anything_  we pleased as long as there was no one around but us. Hell, I’ve been waiting for four years to do this and I could feel my patience wearing thin.  
  
As I leaned closer, Masa closed his eyes. I could see him blush faintly in the moonlight shining through our window and I couldn’t help but peck him on his cheek. I felt him stir, but I held him down and told him to be patient. By the time I was finished, I kissed every skin on his face and I could hear disappointment in Masa’s faint groan. I felt pleasure in teasing him because he was so cute, but I was done with the tease. I closed my eyes as I moved closer and closer to his face. Every part of my body was pulsating like crazy as a thousand memories of Masa flashed through my and then I thought about just how much I loved him. When I felt our lips touch, I saw fireworks behind my eyelids and I felt my stomach lurch happily in me.  
  
Masa’s lips were soft as I had felt it a long time ago when we were kids at his greenhouse, excited about Masa’s bloomed roses. I enjoyed it even more as our lips came together into a sweet and gentle kiss…


	24. Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was unhappy and afraid that the Manor would kick me out.

Masa and Jun seemed to be the only ones excited for me on my eighteenth birthday. I wasn’t. I tried not to show it to the both of them because they’d just bother me more and they’ll do something stupid to cheer me up. I’m not really pretending to be happy, though, because I was really happy that I at least had  _family_  to celebrate my birthday every year… Well, ever since Jun and Masa came into my life truth be told. It’s just that… I was unhappy and afraid that the Manor would kick me out. After today, I might not be with them for a while… I didn’t want that to happen. I wish it weren’t my eighteenth birthday today.  
  
Later in the afternoon, Masa pulled me from the library and dragged me to his green house. Not long ago, I started to work as a library assistant because I needed to save up money. It was a boring job, but at least I had money saved up into my recently opened bank account and I didn’t want to drop this opportunity because Father Ohno was the one who gave me the job.  
  
“There’s something wrong, I know it,” Masa said as soon as we arrived in his green house. For the past five years, he’s gathered enough flowers to sell and he’s raised money as well. It was such a befitting job for Masa that I asked him once if he was going to open up his own store and be a florist. He didn’t answer me because he kept changing the subjects, but I knew that the question was too ambitious for him at the time. Still, I told him how great he would be at it because he’s received tons of customers last year.  
  
“There isn’t, I promise.”  
  
“Liar.”  
  
“Masa, I—“  
  
“Just tell, me, OK? I’m not gonna get mad.”  
  
That was true. In all the years I knew Masa, he was the last person to get mad, but not that he ever raged in the end. He always said that no matter what the mistake: stupid, bad, and wrong there was always forgiveness in the end. I didn’t understand at first why Masa was so kind-hearted to everyone, but I realized that it’s because it was Masa. He’s different from everybody and saw the world as a beautiful place, his own playground.  
  
I sighed. I should tell Masa because there was no point in holding it back. “Remember what I told you why I took that job at the library?”  
  
Masa looked up at the ceiling as if to recall that day, before he looked me straight in the eyes again with a nod. That day, I lied. I told him I took that job just because and so I could buy more games for us.  
  
“I lied,” I repeated out loud. I expected Masa to burst out in anger, but he didn’t flinch one bit. “Father Ohno told me that when I turn eighteen, I’m not going to be at the Manor anymore… So he told me about that job, told me that I needed to save money for, you know… when I’m booted out of here.”  
  
I searched Masa’s eyes for sadness and disappointment, but there was none. Instead, Masa’s eyes softened and his beautiful lips curled into a smile.  
  
“Silly. Why do you think you’re still here, right now?”  
  
I was taken back. “W-what? I thought that I would get kicked out tomorrow instead if not today.”  
  
Masa’s smile widened. “I talked to Father Ohno and convinced him if you could stay. You know that building they were working on besides the greenhouse?”  
  
I nodded my head. They started on it last year and it looked like it was almost finished. He told me they were building a storage for gardening tools and such. I don’t see why Masa brought it up now.  
  
“I lied, too,” Masa admitted guiltily. “It’s not a storage.”  
  
“I don’t get it. Then what’s it for?”  
  
“Well… I had hoped that they would finish by today because it’s…” Masa paused. I hated it when he did this to me because it made me all the more impatient. “It’s our house.”  
  
 _Am I hearing things wrong?_  “It’s a what?”  
  
“Our house!” Masa repeated gleefully as he took my hands and jumped up and down like an excited little boy. “Well, it’s not our dream house, but you know… it’s a start!”  
  
“Masa, I… I don’t know what to say.” I really don’t. The fact that Masa sacrificed all his money for me was unbelievable. I felt ecstatic about the news, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty towards Masa.  
  
“No one has ever done this for me…” I mumbled, unaware that I had said it out loud and I hadn’t realized it until Masa pecked me lightly on my cheek.  
  
“As long as we’re together, nothing will get in our way. You got that?”  
  
If words could explain how I felt right now, I’d say them all out loud for the whole world to know how in love I am with my best friend. I never,  _ever_  thought that I would find the one person that meant the whole world to me, and right now I just wanted to be with him forever.  
  
“You look so silly grinning wide, Kazu,” Masa laughed and pulled on his cheeks to imitate me. “Is there something you want to share with moi?”  
  
Without thinking, I said it out loud. “I love you.”  
  
Masa’s smile dropped and I couldn’t tell if what I said was a bad thing or not. I immediately felt embarrassed and I thought about running away when Masa cupped my cheeks and leaned in without warning. I could feel his lips kissing me eagerly, but I was too shocked to respond. When Masa pulled away, he had the softest and gentle smile. He couldn’t have been more beautiful when the sun came from behind white clouds and shone down on Masa.  
  
“I love you, too,” Masa replied breathily before grinning playfully. “Now come, Jun and I made cake. And we have a surprise for you!” He sang as he dragged me from the green house.  
  
I groaned. I remembered last year’s “surprise” from Jun and Masa: Masa was hidden in a huge paper mache cake and when he popped out, he accidentally tripped on himself and the yellow cake that he and Jun baked flew towards me. It took almost two hours to clean up the mess and myself. Well, I was open for any surprises anyway because I enjoyed it no matter what.


	25. Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We had agreed, though, not to tell Jun about our relationship at least until he was older… but that didn’t exactly happen. He found out sooner than we expected.

The following week after my birthday, our little house was finished. While mostly everybody thought that it was weird to stay and live within the Manor, I didn’t. I was totally fine with it because I was with the people I love: Masa and Jun. Other people wouldn’t understand anyway, because they didn’t know us well and the fact that we were family. When we moved into the small house, at first we played pretend. Jun was, obviously, the kid, while Masa and I were the older brothers; but what difference did it make when Masa and I already established that we were Jun’s older brother? We had agreed, though, not to tell Jun about our relationship at least until he was older… but that didn’t exactly happen. He found out sooner than we expected.  
  
One night, when we thought that Jun was really asleep, I snuck into Masa’s room and we made out. However, when we heard a gasp, we sat up immediately and saw Jun staring at us with his mouth open wide. I scolded myself for being so careless about leaving the door unlocked while Masa ran after Jun. Moments later, they both came back in the room and Jun glanced at us back and forth.  
  
“Kazu and I decided that we would stay up tonight and make s’mores,” Masa said as he glanced at me from the corner of his eyes.  
  
“Since when—“ I closed my eyes when I saw Masa’s lips tighten as he slightly shook his head so the boy wouldn’t see. “Uh… yeah, we did.”  
  
Jun didn’t say anything, though, and just kept staring at us.  
  
After we had set up around the small fireplace, with Jun sat in the middle, we had hoped that we could somehow explain it to Jun. However, either of us could bring ourselves to do it and kept on exchanging whispered conversations in the kitchen. Masa kept telling me to do it because Jun was more attached to me, while I told him to do it because he was good at talking to other people and made whatever it is seem like less of a problem.  
  
When walked from the kitchen and took either side from Jun, however, he glared at the both of us.  
  
“I already know about you two,” Jun said maturely, although he was just eight.  
  
“What?” I snapped. “How’d you find out?”  
  
“Well, for one,” Jun sighed as he still continued to glance at either of us. “The library isn’t that private. I saw you two,” He shuddered, “kissing behind the encyclopedia shelves.”  
  
“What were—“ Nino decided to drop the question. When Jun turned six, he developed a fascination for reading books that by the time he was seven, he could read kanji. “Well, did anyone else see us?”  
  
Jun shook his head. “No one goes there… but don’t ever do that again. Please. I’m begging you,” all of a sudden the Jun he knew was back, the playful and whiny Jun. I couldn’t help but chuckle since Jun was still a kid and I kept forgetting that sometimes because he talked and seemed more mature than the rest of the kids at the Manor.  
  
“OK, we promise, right Masa?”  
  
Masa nodded his head as he stuffed a s’more in his mouth.  
  
“But if you are… lock the door or something,” Jun said as he shuddered and then stuffed a s’more in his mouth. “Or do it when I’m not here. Oh, and I won’t tell anyone. I know you guys have been keeping it a secret.”  
  
“You’ve got it!” Masa exclaimed through his stuffed mouth. He cupped Jun’s cheeks and pretended to kiss him but the boy slapped his hands away, dropped his stick on the floor and ran from Masa, screaming monster and creep. But I smiled when I saw that Jun wasn’t disgusted at all. In fact, he was smiling as Masa continued to chase him throughout the small house.


	26. Silt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My eyes traveled to his face once again and without warning, I grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him down with me.

Today happened to be the hottest day and Father Ohno brought up our annual trip to the beach. The Head Nun disagreed because of what happened last year: someone found a crab about the size of a child’s palm and had left it near their resting area. When it was left alone, the crab walked over to the side and had pinched one of the Head Nun’s toes. As it turned out, the boy who found the crab was Masa and had planned to keep the crab. He got a week’s worth of detention.  
  
Either way, we still decided on the beach because Father Ohno was so persistent about it. Once everyone had everything they needed, they left the Manor. Unlike last year, Sakurai-sensei drove this time because the Head Nun didn’t trust Father Ohno on the wheel. Last year, because of the lack of sleep, Father Ohno almost fell asleep while driving, but we were able to avoid an accident if it weren’t for the Head Nun kicking him out and taking over the wheel.  
  
An hour later, we arrived at our destination. The beach was packed and we didn’t have anywhere to claim our spot until Father Ohno spotted a huge clearing besides the lifeguard tower. We ran to it immediately before anyone decided to take it.  
  
“Now boys,” Father Ohno began after we had set our towels down and sat on top of it. “No chasing each other, no getting lost, and no wondering to other people’s area. Oh, and do not go neck deep at the ocean.”  
  
Well, there goes the fun. At least we were still able to go to the water as long as we don’t go that deep.  
  
“Yes, Father!” All of us exclaimed in unison before we were released and were allowed to do our own thing. All the little boys immediately went to the shore and began digging into the wet sand, while the older boys did their own thing, trying to act all cool to impress the girls at the beach.  
  
“Jun, go help the boys with their sand castle,” I said before he ran off. I felt guilty about making Jun go play with other boys all the time, but I couldn’t help it. We were at the beach, I was with Masa and I wanted to be alone with him. But at this point, it seems as if we were never going to be alone together with this many people at the beach.  
  
“Hmmm…” Masa hummed. “Follow me.”  
  
I took a step back. “You know what Father Ohno said.”  
  
Masa rolled his eyes and laughed. “Who do you think I am?”  
  
I laughed. Of course Masa wasn’t going to listen to Father Ohno. He was free-spirited and no one or anything will stop him. Not even me. “Fine,” I gave in. “But we have to be back here within two hours, or their going to call the police to search for us.”  
  
Masa just laughed before he ran off…  
  
We finally came to a stop when we found a secluded area. Well, it was off-limits but there was no one there patrolling the gates. The place we found was still part of the beach, but there were bushes surrounding the area. That didn’t stop us from searching. We walked through the bushes, yelping in pain when either of us was prickled with the prickly bushes. However, after five minutes of walking, we finally found the ocean. We decided to sit on the area where there weren’t prickly bushes and it was the most perfect view. There was nothing and no one in sight to ruin the scenery.  
  
Then I glanced over to my right. Masa was wearing nothing but swimming trunks and I could see all of him. No matter how many times I saw him half-naked, I become excited when I see him. Today, it was different. For the past week, he’s been running the courtyard and would work-out once he was back at our home. He was starting to show abs and I just couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was perfect, and he’s all mine.  
  
My eyes traveled to his face once again and without warning, I grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him down with me. I fell on my back and he was lying on top of me. He gave me a surprised look, but I responded with a smirk. “When do we get chances like this?” When I saw that he was about to open his mouth, I pulled towards me. We kissed, passionately and aggressively. I could feel the want in Masa as his hands roamed all over my bare body. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I pushed Masa so his back was on the silt sand and I shamelessly lay on top of him.  
  
We continued to kiss, our tongues meeting each other and sending a thousand waves throughout me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I was getting impatient. Masa, too, was begging me by the way he was pulling onto my trunks.  
  
“Are you sure?” I breathed in between kisses. “We can wait.” I lied. I can’t wait. I wanted it now.  
  
“I don’t care,” Masa said.  
  
“But…” There were consequences of think of such as the pain that would come after and the fact that they’d have sex before marriage. _Marriage…_  The word rang through my head as if someone has rung a gong.  _What if… we don’t make it that far…_  Doubts began to grow in my mind and I wanted it to go away. I wanted this moment to be perfect with Masa, to finally be able to make love to him, but the word decided to stay in his head. Masa must have noticed my face when I pulled away.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Masa asked right away as we both sat up.  
  
“I’m…” I wasn’t sure about how to tell him, but I needed to tell him how I felt. “What if we never… make it? What if we don’t last long?”  
  
“Kazu… I…”  
  
Of course he didn’t know what to say because neither of us knew the answer to my question.  
  
“Can we just wait it out?” I asked him. I was afraid that he’s going to hate me forever after this, but I felt his finger on my chin and he made me face him.  
  
“I can wait,” Masa said. “Well, I couldn’t wait to kiss you last year, but this is a different story. Besides, that’s what we’ve been doing so far, right? We can keep at this longer.”  
  
I smiled. Masa was always so optimistic about everything, even though I knew how badly he wanted it.  
  
“Then for now…” I didn’t continue as I grabbed Masa once again and kissed him on his lips. I lay on him once again and I pulled both of our trunks down. I moved against him, creating friction until we could hear each other moan. Masa’s moans filled my ears like a beautiful melody that I fastened the pace and soon, we both came onto our stomachs. After we cleaned ourselves up, we smiled and sat on the same spot we were on. Once we were settled, Masa rested his head on my shoulder.  
  
For now, this was fine.


	27. Jam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Of course I miss you, idiot. Why would I not? So, beach or no beach?”

I absolutely had nothing to do because Masa and Jun were at school while I was stuck at home. I’ve already gone through three games today and I’m about to finish my fourth when an idea struck me: it was hot, I was sweating, and I was dying to get out of here; I wanted to go to the beach with Masa again. After I turned the game cube off, showered, and put on new clothes, I left home and headed towards Masa’s school.

It was in the afternoon so Masa should be in his P.E. class. I made sure that I hid whenever I saw someone pass by or I grabbed onto the front of my cap and titled my head down so no one would recognize me. So far, I had success of not being found out. When I finally made it to the field, I made it in time to see Masa taking a seat near the fences. He looked exhausted, too exhausted and I wondered what he had done for him to be like that. But now that I thought about it, I’ve never seen Masa that exhausted, even when he’s done hard labor in the past. Worried, I snuck behind the fence and hid myself within the bushes and trees.  
  
“Masa,” I whispered, but he didn’t hear me. “Masa!”  
  
He didn’t respond even when I whispered a bit louder. So I decided to approach him instead.  
  
“Boo!” I yelled and Masa jumped up in surprise.  
  
“Wha—Kazu!” Masa squealed happily once he saw me and I couldn’t help but smile at him. Even if he was drenched in sweat, he was still perfect to me.  
  
“Did I scare you?” I asked, although I already knew the answer.”  
  
“Yeah! What the heck are you doing here, though?!”  
  
I pretend to be hurt. “Ouch. My boyfriend doesn’t want to see me.”  
  
“Kazu, I didn’t—“  
  
I laughed so Masa wouldn’t think that I was being serious. “I was just kidding! I came here to get you out of school. It’s hot and I wanna go to the beach.”  
  
Masa grinned like an idiot and poked me through the fence. “You mean you miss me? I miss you, too.”  
  
I rolled my eyes. “Of course I miss you, idiot. Why would I not? So, beach or no beach?”  
  
Masa hummed as he brought up a finger to his chin. I could tell he was messing with me. He always did this to me whenever I wanted to do something, but then he’d make me wait.  
  
“Fine, I’m going by myself,” I said and turned around, but was stopped when Masa called for me.  
  
“OK, OK, I’ll stop. And I’m coming. Just wait for me outside of the school entrance.”  
  
With a grin, I headed to our rendezvous. I couldn’t wait to be with him at the beach again…  
  
The beach, good music, and Masa… it was a perfect combination altogether in one day. When we finally made it to the beach, there were college students who were having a party. They thought that we were college students as well, so they gave us booze and asked us to join; we couldn’t say no when we saw that there was a live band playing. Of course, we discarded the booze when no one was looking because we didn’t want to be delinquents. Instead, we tried to fit in, tried to forget who we were for just today.  
  
I was reluctant at first, but with a little push from Masa, I joined him. We were mushed between sweaty bodies and crazy, drunk college students, but we managed to find a spot. Then we danced. Danced like crazy until I could no longer control myself. Without thinking, I grabbed Masa and kissed him. I didn’t care who was looking, or who pushed us in disgust. What mattered was that I was with Masa, enjoying everything, today, and all of him.  
  
I decided then that I would love Masa no matter what.


	28. Watermelon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their heads immediately turned to me when I mentioned watermelon. To us, watermelon was our favorite pastime. When Masa and I were kids and Jun was five then, a tradition began between us three.

“Summer!” Jun screamed as he jumped up and down his bed. “Kazu-nii and Masa-nii, take me to the beach!”  
  
“No,” the both of us said in unison. Even if I had the consent of taking the both of them out, I didn’t want to risk it. I didn’t want to lose control and take Masa then and there at the beach while Jun was there. Or worse, let Jun loose while we decided to do our own thing. “But I have a better idea. Masa, go to our closet. And if you see a huge brown bag, take it out here.”  
  
Masa nodded before heading to our room. Moments later, he came out with the brown bag I asked him to bring out.  
  
“This here, is an inflatable swimming pool. But—“ I held up a finger when I saw that the two were about to scream in excitement. “You can’t tell anyone, or else it would ruin the fun.”  
  
As the both of them went screaming their heads off in excitement around the house, I headed outside and made sure that there was no one there. After making sure that the coast was clear, I called for the crazy two for help. Within an hour and a half, the inflatable pool was ready. Jun jumped in, followed by Masa. I watched them in amusement for a while as they splashed each other with the cold water. I ran away when I saw that they were planning on attacking me while fully clothed.  
  
“Get in, Kazu-nii!” Jun yelled as he cupped his hands in the water and attempted to throw it at me, but I was too fast for him.  
  
“I will after I bring out the watermelon.”  
  
Their heads immediately turned to me when I mentioned watermelon. To us, watermelon was our favorite pastime. When Masa and I were kids and Jun was five then, a tradition began between us three. We would sneak into the kitchen, steal ourselves one or two watermelon, and run off to the green room. Because we weren’t allowed to play with knives, Masa would bring his baseball bat and we would smash it until it was in pieces. Afterwards, we held an eating contest. The one who ate the most watermelon off the ground would be King and the servants would treat him with royalty for a week; we always changed the bet, though, so it would be exciting every time. Either Jun or I would always win because Masa would sometimes get distracted by a butterfly that flew into the greenhouse. This time, however, I bought the watermelons at the same time I bought the inflatable pool last week.  
  
“OK, ready?” I asked as I brought my arms up. Once they nodded, I began smashing the watermelon to pieces. It got all over the tarp I had put underneath, but oh, well. That was the point anyway.  
  
“OK, whoever eats the most…” I paused as I tried to think of anything the winner could do. Then an idea came into my head. “The winner gets to do anything to anyone. We’ve never done that before, right?”  
  
“Nope,” the two said in unison.  
  
“Then, let the game begin!”  
  
We all dug in and counted every piece we ate. One, two, three… ten, eleven… soon, the watermelon was all consumed and there was nothing left but the red juice and the its green skin.  
  
“Alright. In three, we say how much we have. One, two… three!”  
  
Jun yelled twenty-five, while I yelled thirty. However, Jun and I were taken back when Masa posed with a peace sign and yelled thirty-five. For the first time since our tradition began, Masa had won.  
  
“Congratulations!” Jun and I cheered. “So, what are you going to do?”  
  
Masa grinned as he locked eyes with me. I had a feeling that something weird was going to happen by the look on Masa’s face. Before I could process anything, however, Masa yelled “Go!” to Jun and the both of them ran to a bucket and poured it on me. I yelled as the cold water soaked through my clothes and I so wanted to kill the both of them.  
  
“Masa was the winner!” I yelled as I chased after them.  
  
“But you said anything!” Masa yelled back at me as he and Jun ran around and around the house…


	29. Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My impatience got the better of me. Without another word, I left him and walked off into the city…

It’s been a week since Masa started coughing. The first day, he coughed wildly, but I wasn’t there to witness it and he didn’t tell me until he was sent home from school. I asked him what had happened and he just said that it was a cold. I wasn’t worried then because I believed him.  
  
But a few days later, it hadn’t gone away. I insisted on visiting the hospital, but Masa refused and stayed in bed for the whole day, but I still persisted on it. However, I grew impatient and Masa’s stubbornness was getting the better of him. Without thinking, I yelled at him.  
  
“What if it was something serious?!”  
  
“It’s not,” Masa coughed. “Sakurai-sensei already said that it’ll go away soon.”  
  
“But Masa… you’re losing weight and that coughing is getting worse.”  
  
“It—“ Masa coughed wildly once again and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Just as I was about to run to his side, however, he threw a pillow towards me and told me to leave him alone. I didn’t want to because I didn’t want anything to happen to him, but he kept telling me to leave him alone and to go away.  
  
My impatience got the better of me. Without another word, I left him and walked off into the city…  
  
I came rushing home when I realized how long I’ve left Masa. Three, four hours? I lost track. I was so stupid to have left him alone and I was just being an idiot. However, as soon as I got home, I saw Masa in the kitchen.  
  
“Why are you—“  
  
“I’m fine,” Masa said without turning around. “My coughing stopped earlier. We’re having steak for dinner tonight.”  
  
“No, Masa, you should still be in bed. Sakurai-sensei said—“  
  
“I said I’m fine,” Masa interrupted me and this time he turned around to face me. He was smiling again and his face had more color. Although he still seemed fine now, I was still worried.  
  
“Masa… I’m sorry for leaving you.”  
  
“It’s fine. It was my fault for telling you to go away.”  
  
“But it was mine because I—“  
  
Masa shrugged and turned around to resume his cooking. “It’s fine. Just pick up Jun from school.”  
  
“I—OK.”  
  
I didn’t want to make things worse for Masa so I went to pick up Jun. Just as I was about to take my leave, however, I stopped short when I saw a tissue covered in blood in the trashcan and noticed that it was still fresh. I narrowed my eyes. “Masa, what is this?” I asked him when I picked up the tissue from the trash.  
  
He turned around and I saw his eyes widen before he turned around again. “I cut myself,” he said. “See?” He held up a hand and I hadn’t noticed at all that his hand was bandaged. Worried, I rushed over to his side and hugged him from behind.  
  
“You’ve got to be more careful!” I scolded him and pulled away. “Look at me, Masa.”  
  
“But I’m—“  
  
“Look at me.”  
  
He finally turned around after he lowered down the fire. Masa wasn’t looking me straight in the eyes as if what he had done made him feel guilt, but I grabbed his chin and made him face me. Without another word, I gently grabbed for his injured hand and kissed his bandaged palm where it was seeping red.  
  
Masa smiled a little and it made my heart flutter.  
  
“I’ll make sure that never happens,” I told him quietly. “For now on, I’ll be the one to cook.”  
  
“But your cooking is horrible,” Masa laughed jokingly. “Remember the meat loaf you burned last month?”  
  
Of course he remembers. It was a horrible experience for him and the house smelt of burnt meat loaf for a week. “Then I’ll learn,” I said to reassure him.  
  
“Good,” Masa lightly punched me on the shoulder with his uninjured hand. “Don’t you have to pick up Jun right about now?”  
  
“Oh crap!” I exclaimed as the image of an angry Jun flashed in my mind. “Thanks for reminding me, Masa. I’m gonna go now.” Before I left, I quickly pecked Masa on his lips.  
  
What I hadn’t been aware of at that time was that Masa had lied to me about the blood. But how would I have known?


	30. Oblivious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t the type to nose around Masa stuff because he had his privacy, too, and I respected him for that.

Masa began to gain weight again and I was happy. So Jun and I celebrated with a surprise for Masa. While Masa was forced to tutor some kids afterschool back at the Manor, Jun and I bought most of Masa’s favorite food, enough to give him food coma. Also, we planned on turning off the lights and surprising him in the dark. When the clock struck to five o’clock, we waited for Masa to come home since Masa told us later in the afternoon that he was going home exactly at 5PM. However, we waited for thirty minutes when Jun and I finally heard the jingling of Masa’s keys.  
  
As soon as the door was opened, Jun and I clapped loudly, yelled surprise, and pushed Masa to the kitchen.  
  
“I can’t see a thing!” Masa complained. “What’s going on?”  
  
Masa’s question was our cue and soon all the lights were on. In front of him was the food Jun and I struggled to cook. It almost filled the small square dining table and it was enough to feed all of us for a week.  
  
“Guys…”  
  
“It’s to make your more fat,” Jun giggled and pushed Masa closer to the table. “Dig in, Masa-nii.”  
  
“What he said,” I said lazily and handed Masa plate and eating utensils. “Just don’t over-stuff yourself, OK?”  
  
“Are you kidding?!” Masa laughed. “I’m going to eat  _everything_.”  
  
I laughed. When Masa set his bag down, a pamphlet fell out. I wasn’t the type to nose around Masa stuff because he had his privacy, too, and I respected him for that. However, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.  _What was Masa doing with a pamphlet that talked about lung cancer?_  Then I remembered that Masa said he visited the hospital yesterday because he was interested in the medical field.  _He was probably studying,_  I assumed.  
  
Oh, well. Now was the time to celebrate with Masa, now that he was fine and healthy.


	31. Path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Beethoven?!” Masa gasped. “He’s taking your attention away from me?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three years had passed so not to confuse the change

After Masa’s graduation, we planned to move out with Jun. After many signatures and documents later, we found a house for the three of us. Although we were bummed about leaving our first house, we didn’t want to be where the lost boys were. Masa and I were no longer one of those boys, and Jun wasn’t either because he’s our brother. Finally, we could be a real family, except without a mother and a father. It’s been three years since then.  
  
Masa and I attended different universities because we had our own goals. While Masa, the unexpected genius, made it into Todai University, took a bunch of science classes: chemistry, biology, and physics; a math class; and a botany class. I questioned his choice because I thought that he wanted to be a doctor in the last year of his high school, but he said that he loved being a florist. Well, whatever he wanted to be, it was Masa’s choice and it was something that he loved doing.  
  
While I, on the other hand, attended Toho Gakuen School of Music and majored in strings and minored in piano. I originally thought that I was never going to make it in because my high school grades weren’t that great. However, thanks to my unexpected genius, I pushed through my last year and I was able to pass with flying colors. Anyway, I was ecstatic about it. Ever since I began playing the guitar and piano when I was younger, I felt more intrigued by it.  
  
Every day was a new day of learning for me because I only knew so little about the guitar and piano. I used to learn by ear, or sometimes I would just make music of my own without jotting down music notes. However, at college, I had difficulty reading the notes a bit and it was something I had to get used to.  
  
“Relax,” Masa said one night when I kept scanning the piano notes over and over again. I wanted to make sure that my sound test tomorrow would go well, and I knew very well that the piano teacher was going to pay attention if I look at the notes or not.  
  
“I’m trying,” I mumbled desperately. “But there’s pressure and it’s a Beethoven piece!”  
  
“Beethoven?!” Masa gasped. “He’s taking your attention away from me?!”  
  
I laughed at Masa’s immediate jealousy. Being around Masa always made me feel less stressed about school and I was glad that he was here to distract me from it. After I set my papers aside, I pushed Masa down our bed and took in his half-naked body in my eyes.  
  
“Kazu, y-you should be studying,” Masa said nervously, his eyes staring at mine. Although he told me to study, I knew that he didn’t want me to do that, not when I moved my hand across his bare chest.  
  
I could feel his heartbeat beating faster than ever and his breathing was suddenly irregular. He was excited of my touches and the way I slowly moved my tongue across my bottom lip. When we were teens, I was too afraid to have sex with him and I wanted to wait until we were officially together somehow. But when Masa, Jun and I finally got our own house away from the Manor, we couldn’t wait anymore. On our first night at our house, I deflowered him and he didn’t stop me.  
  
I wasn’t going to stop now. Even if I had goddamn test tomorrow.  
  
“Kazu…” Masa moaned quietly as I sucked on his sweet neck. “You’ve really got to—ah… study…”  
  
“But you told me to relax,” I reminded him and brushed my lips against his rose tinted cheeks.  
  
“W-we had sex yesterday, though,” Masa inhaled sharply when I ghosted over his hard on. I knew he wanted it as badly as I did, but Masa’s constant reminder of my test tomorrow made me want to tease him. If he was so insistent…  
  
“Fine,” I pulled away, although I wish I could play with him more. “I’ll study.”  
  
I smirked when I felt his hand grab my arm. “But I didn’t say to stop.”  
  
I laughed and threw my papers aside. It’s going to be a pain in the ass when I try to pick up after it later, but oh well. I’d done it already; no going back. As soon as the last paper landed softly on the floor, I pushed Masa on the bed again and kissed him…


	32. Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> However, since then, Masa pushed me away without reason.

A week had passed since I last had sex with Masa and I couldn’t keep my hands off of him every night. However, since then, Masa pushed me away without reason. I asked him if it’s because I nearly failed my piano exam the day after, but Masa didn’t say anything. I then thought that it might have been because I suck at pleasuring him and giving him what he wanted, but I knew very well that Masa loved everything I did to him.  
  
So what happened?  
  
I didn’t know. How could I have known if Masa never told me? How could I have known that he was pulling away from me because he had a secret he was keeping from me?  
  
But I was an ass that whole time and slept in the living room.


	33. Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And there we were: I was worried sick sitting in the kitchen, while Masa probably stood shock at the front door.

“Where have you been?” I asked when I heard our front door close quietly. For the past two weeks, Masa disappeared without a word or a call and it would make me worry to death. I tried reaching him through his cellphone several times, and even went to his school to look for him, but he never picked up and he wasn’t at his school. So for nights, I stayed up waiting for him to come home, but he didn’t come home until the end of the second week.  
  
And there we were: I was worried sick sitting in the kitchen, while Masa probably stood shock at the front door.  
  
“Where have you been?” I asked once again when Masa didn’t reply. “I was worried as hell, you know?”  
  
“I’ve been… out.”  
  
I felt my eyebrows knit together. “That’s all? Where’s “out?” “  
  
“I—“  
  
“You’ve been cheating on me, is that what’s going on?” Although I wasn’t one to jump to conclusions and as much as a I trusted Masa, I couldn’t help but think of the possibility. For almost a month, he’s ignored me, pushed me away and now he disappeared without a word. Is this it? Is it over for us?  
  
“”Kazu, it’s not like that…”  
  
I snapped and turned to face him as he approached me from behind. “Then what is it?”  
  
“I…” He looked down and refused to meet my eyes. I knew when he couldn’t look me in the eyes and he was playing with his fingers that he was keeping a secret from me. Back then at the Manor, Masa and I promised that we would never keep secrets from each other. I told him about everything, about my inner thoughts, and all of my feelings as well as he told me his. But it hurt, when I realized that Masa was keeping a secret from me for a long time now.  
  
“I can’t tell you yet, Kazu…”  
  
“It’s OK, just tell me,” I insisted. Whatever it was, I wanted to know.  
  
“Kazu…” He pulled the beanie off his head and I gasped out loud.  
  
Instead of his thick brown-orange hair on his scalp, there was nothing there; nothing but his recently shaved head. The part that I most loved about his hair was how I could run my fingers through it, and how his hair always smelt of strawberry and peaches after he showered.  
  
I approached him slowly, but he stepped back. I stopped and felt my heart constrict painfully inside my chest.  
  
“I…” All of a sudden Masa’s eyes widened and he fell on the floor. He was coughing wildly, just like the time when we were eighteen, young and carefree. But now, it was different. Masa and I were in our twenties and we weren’t those carefree kids anymore. We had to take care of ourselves and Jun, pay for bills, go to college and hopefully find a great career afterwards. I hadn’t realized it until I saw Masa cringe painfully, cough wildly and gasp for air.  
  
Was this the secret he was keeping from me?


	34. Defeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So he kept it from me for that long?

I immediately called the hospital that night and had to bring Jun with me so he wouldn’t be left home alone. Once the ambulance came and took Masa, we came along and hoped for the best. I held onto Jun’s hand for support, and thought that the pre-teen was going to pull away, but surprisingly he didn’t. I could tell he was as worried as I was and our eyes were glued onto Masa.  
  
He was still coughing and I just wanted to try and cure him of whatever sickness he has, but it was impossible. I didn’t even know what it was. Not until Masa coughed into his hands and it fell to his side with a soft thud. I saw dark red in his beautiful hand and I was reminded of the time when Masa told me he had cut himself. So he kept it from me for that long? A part of me wanted to be mad and him, but the other part grew more worried for him and it won.  
  
“Masa…” I sobbed quietly as I took his bloodied hand. Masa tried to pull away, but I held on. “Jun and I are never going to leave your side. We’ll stay…”


	35. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to bash their faces in when they looked at us pitifully, but I didn’t want to risk it especially when Masa needed us the most.

All night long, Jun and I stayed in the hospital and was thankful towards the staff who allowed us to stay. I wanted to bash their faces in when they looked at us pitifully, but I didn’t want to risk it especially when Masa needed us the most. We waited for hours, glancing back and forth at the ICU sign, wondering what was happening behind the door, and all the nurses and doctors that passed us. I was beginning to think that we were going to be there forever.  
  
“Kazu-nii… what happened to Masa-nii?” Jun finally asked as he took a seat by the wall. “Is he—“  
  
I cut him off, afraid of what he was about to say. “I don’t know, Jun. Remember when Masa was sick for a week?”  
  
The twelve-year-old nodded his head right away. Of course, how could we forget it when the both of us were worried sick and tended to Masa every day. “It happened again tonight, but I don’t know… I don’t know what it is and Masa has been keeping this as a secret from us.”  
  
Just then, the ICU doors opened and the doctor that was in charge of Masa came out. He looked at us seriously and I was beginning to think of the worse when he said:  
  
“This isn’t the first time Aiba-san has been admitted to the hospital, but this time it was serious.”  
  
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. “What do you mean this isn’t his first time? What do you mean it was serious?”  
  
“Ninomiya-san… Aiba-san didn’t tell you?”  
  
“Tell me what?”  
  
“We told him to inform his family and friends at once to let everyone know how serious his illness is, but seeing your surprised face…”  
  
“What?” I gritted my teeth together and pushed aside the painful feeling that came after. “What exactly is wrong with him?!” I snapped and grabbed the doctor’s collar. “Tell me!”  
  
“Ninomiya-san—“  
  
“Calm down!” Jun yelled and pulled me apart from the doctor. “We… we have to know what’s wrong with Masa-nii and beating him up isn’t the solution!”  
  
Jun was right. There was nothing I could get out of the doctor by beating him up. Even Masa would hate it if I used violence to get my way.  
  
“Aiba-san, he’s in stage II of lung cancer… If it weren’t for your quick thinking, we wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it.”  
  
“What?” I asked quietly and I could feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes. I tried holding it back, but they were falling one by one. “T-that’s impossible, right? Masa can’t possibly have that? He’s… he’s strong and… and…” I couldn’t continue when my heart was hurting so much. How could Masa keep this secret from us? That he was painfully sick and that he suffered himself? Did he not love us anymore? Did he want to go on without telling us?  
  
“I… I’m going to buy coffee,” I mumbled quietly and pushed away Jun’s hand I felt that he was going to comfort me. “Jun, stay with Masa for me…”


	36. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t prepared to be by him right now and I felt such an ass for it.

It took me three hours to get myself straight and visit Masa. By then, the sun was beginning to rise and it looked so beautiful within the horizon. I laughed bitterly, knowing that the world was playing at us. After I threw the empty can, I walked back inside and hoped that I was prepared for this…  
  
I immediately found Masa’s room on the fourth floor, where all the cancer patients were resting. When I entered, I saw Jun was fast asleep beside the bed, his hand holding Masa’s loosely. I smiled slightly when I realized just how much Jun cared, but it went away when I saw Masa’s eyes on me. His eyes were puffy and red and I could tell he cried while I wasn’t around to face him.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked quietly and refused to walk to his side. I wasn’t prepared to be by him right now and I felt such an ass for it.  
  
“Funny that ever after they contacted my real family, they still didn’t come or call at all,” was what Masa said instead and faced left so I would see his face. He sniffled loudly and breathed out. I knew that he wanted to cry again, but he was trying his best to hold it out.  
  
“They’ll come…” I said without thinking, but Masa laughed bitterly.  
  
“Why would they even after they selfishly gave me away…”  
  
Without me realizing it, I ran to the other side and I saw a startled Masa about ready to cry again. I grabbed his other hand and kissed him on his forehead.  
  
“We’re still family, don’t forget that,” I reminded him and because of it Masa began crying again. Of course, I wanted answers from Masa then, but how could I selfishly ask for it when the love of my life was suffering and was hurt that his family might never come again? For the whole day, Jun and I stayed by Masa’s side, not caring at all about going to school. Masa needed us and we were going to be with him throughout all this…  
  
I fell asleep without realizing it and was woken up when I saw a boy, about the same age as Jun run in the room. He had a slightly brownish hair and he had Masa’s eyes and nose. Although they looked different, I knew right away that it was Masa’s real brother, Yusuke. He’s told me so much about him and how much he played with him until he was sent away one night.  
  
“Masaki!” The boy yelled and ran to Masa’s side. “Wake up! It’s me, Yusuke!”  
  
I could feel Masa stir in his bed and soon I heard a gasp come from him. As the two stared at each other in silence, I urged Jun to follow me outside and noticed that there was no one else outside of Masa’s room.  _Did Yusuke come alone?_  
  
“No matter what,” Jun began as we sat on the opposite wall of Masa’s room. “We have to have faith in Masa-nii.”  
  
“We do,” I agreed. “Even if it means we’re going to be hurt by the end.”


	37. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I fell down to my knees and I felt as if the world had suddenly exploded.

  
A week had passed since Masa was admitted to the hospital. By then, despite what had happened, Jun and I tried our best to make things seem normal: Jun went back to school and even joined afterschool clubs to occupy himself (he admitted to me that it was to keep his mind off of Masa), while I went back to school myself and tried even harder in my classes. And for that whole week, Masa seemed to get a bit better, but he refused to talk to either of us except his little brother, Yusuke, who has been visiting him every day.  
  
I wished that Masa could talk to us again, smile, and laugh and pretend that everything was going to be alright. But how could it? Masa was sick and there was nothing in the world that could—I shook my head. I believed that there is something that could cure him of his sickness, a panacea of some sort and I wanted to find it for Masa.  
  
Earlier today, I remembered how he brought his flowers over from the greenhouse back at the Manor into our own greenhouse at the backyard. Every day for three years, he never stopped tending to them and worried about them every season. Then I thought that maybe, just maybe it would help cure Masa of his smile again.  
  
After Yusuke had greeted me with an awkward hello (I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard Masa tell him about our relationship), he left and said something about pudding and Masa. I grinned, knowing very well that Masa had asked him to get him pudding, probably chocolate flavored.  
  
“I brought you your flowers from the greenhouse,” I told him as I walked to his bedside. He wasn’t facing me, but when I heard him sigh I could tell that he was smiling a bit. I don’t know what it is, but it’s as if we could read each other so easily. I knew, though, that he wasn’t going to talk to me so I took the green vase on the bedside table, threw away the withering flowers and added in more water from the bathroom sink. After putting the roses inside of the vase, I set it back down and sat on the stool beside Masa’s bed.  
  
I stared at him and wondered how long we’ve been friends. For thirteen years, maybe? Or fourteen? Either way, I smiled and remembered all the good and fun times we had together, and how there was never a bad day for us. If there was, we’d always turn it into a good day, no matter the risk. But when Masa and I finally confessed our feelings to each other in high school, right after we decided to be together forever, things changed. Masa and I still got along well, but there were those times when Masa would just push me away and tell me to leave him alone for a week… Was his sickness the reason why he did that? It probably was because he knew we would both be hurt… But how could I have known that he was suffering by himself when he wouldn’t let me in? Despite that, though, Masa hadn’t changed. He never liked it when anyone was hurt and he would rather be hurt himself than let others suffer for it. Which is why he was such a forgiving soul and I admired him for that.  
  
“Do you hate me?”  
  
I snapped out of my thoughts, when finally I heard Masa speaking directly to me, but he didn’t turn to face me. I frowned. How could I ever hate the man I love so dearly? “No. I don’t, Masa. I loved you. Jun and I love you very much.”  
  
“I…I know, but you must hate me right? Because I kept this a secret and you had to find out like this…”  
  
“Masa…”  
  
“Remember the week when I started coughing?”  
  
I nodded, although Masa couldn’t see me.  
  
“Well…” Masa sighed, and finally he turned to face me. He was beginning to cry and I brought my hand to his cheek. “Sakurai-sensei saved me the day before when he saw me walking to some place you, Jun and I hadn’t ventured to yet. I thought that if I found an awesome place that could be our hideout, no one will find us.  
  
But when I went inside, it was so dusty… I couldn’t breathe and I passed out I don’t know for how long… Next thing I knew… I saw Sakurai-sensei’s face and I was in the infirmary. He said I’ve inhaled asbestos and he didn’t know how much was in me…  
  
“Then it began, when I started coughing. I thought it wasn’t serious until… until…”  
  
Masa choked as he cried and all I wanted to do was hug him, but he was pushing me away again.  
  
“You must hate me,” Masa said again as he turned around. “I even hate myself for it.”  
  
“Masa…”  
  
“Nii-san, I have your— Oh…”  
  
I turned around and saw Yusuke holding a cup filled with chocolate pudding. I just wanted to grab it from him and feed Masa myself, but I felt like I wasn’t needed. Sighing, I turned around and walked from the room. Even if Masa told me about his story, there was no way that I’m going to hate him. I still loved him no matter what… But why was he pushing me away?...  
  
“Kazu-nii! Wake up!”  
  
I slowly opened my eyes when I saw a worried Jun shaking me from side to side. “What is it?” I groaned as I sat up and turned on the lights.  
  
“Masa-nii… he...”  
  
My eyes widened as I stared at the tears falling from Jun’s face.  _No…No… It can’t be… It’s too soon!_  I immediately told the preteen to put on a sweater and socks. After we were somewhat dressed, I dragged him to my car and I drove us to the hospital at a fast speed.  _So what if I get caught by the police for speeding?!_  I yelled inside my head. Right now, Masa’s my priority and  _nothing_  was going to stop me. Thankfully, there wasn’t a police in sight and we made it there in less than five minutes…  
  
I ran up the stairs, dragging Jun along with me, because I was impatient to wait for the elevator. I could hear a nurse shouting after me, telling me that visiting hours were over, but I didn’t care. I needed to confirm if Masa… If Masa… I couldn’t continue my thoughts, afraid that I was going to lose it right here, right now. Instead, I put on a brave front and—  
  
Once the door slid open, I saw a distraught Yusuke crying beside the empty bed and nurses and doctors discussing something in the other corner, while the others three pity glances at the young boy and towards the both of them as they entered.  
  
“What…”  
  
“I’m sorry, Ninomiya-san… but Aiba-san disappeared and we can’t find him…”  
  
I fell down to my knees and I felt as if the world had suddenly exploded.


	38. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But knowing that he was somewhere out there in a world we barely knew… I suddenly felt scared and alone.

For weeks, we tried to find him, but the police force, Jun and I had no luck. We even tried visiting the Manor to see if Masa was there, but Father Ohno, Sakurai-sensei and the Head Nurse told me that Masa wasn’t there either. But where else would he go if Masa had never been anywhere else?! I tried for his university, but I had no luck. Even his favorite shops, but the manager or someone who worked there said that they didn’t see anyone like Masa when he described Masa to them.  
  
“Where are you, Masa...”  
  
Every night wasn’t the same anymore without him. Masa and I usually cuddled together or had sex before going to sleep, and I always felt comfort and I felt so much at home with him. Even when he was at the hospital, just thinking that he was still with us comforted me more than enough.  
  
But knowing that he was somewhere out there in a world we barely knew… I suddenly felt scared and alone.  
  
“Masa…where are you?” I cried and held onto the pillow that still had his smell, but it was faint and I was beginning to worry that I could never remember how he smells. For every day and every night, I cried myself to sleep, knowing that I’ll probably never see Masa again.  
  
That is, until, I got a phone call one night and it was Father Ohno. I could hear him sniffling and breathing weakly and I wondered if he was sick. But then he told me to go back home, back to the Manor where Masa had hid himself for five years.


	39. Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nostalgia hit me when Jun and I took a step on the Manor grounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set five years later, or present time, so not to confuse the change. Nino is 27 years old, and Jun is 17.

_Present time_  
  
Nostalgia hit me when Jun and I took a step on the Manor grounds. How long as it been since I last set foot here? Five years ago, exactly the time Masa had disappeared and decided not to be found by either Jun and I. I wondered why I even decided to come here after that one phone call from Father Ohno last night, but of course I couldn’t help it, especially when it concerned Masa…  
  
Nothing has changed. Not even Masa’s greenhouse that still harbored vibrant flowers in the middle of winter. Even the small house beside it looked like it was being kept clean, by someone none other than Masa himself. Last night, after Father Ohno had called me, I demanded that he tell me about Masa. He told me right away that Masa had been with them for those five years and had lived with them until last night, and hadn’t stopped tending to the greenhouse even if his life was in danger.  
  
Then he told me that Masa had gone without a goodbye, and that he was smiling even in his forever slumber…  
  
I cried as I held onto Masa’s pillow that had his scent. It was so strong as if Masa was still there, perhaps in the kitchen cooking up some steak or hamburgers for dinner tonight.  
  
But he was gone, and the Manor felt like a whole another different place.  
  
Even if things hadn’t changed.


	40. Leaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being stuck in there made me feel like I was going to lose my mind any second, so I walked off further from the house until I reached the forest behind the Manor.

Sakurai-sensei and his wife came to visit me while I stayed in the little house where Masa had hid for five years. They whispered their respects to the white casket resting in the living room, but I didn’t go there to see them. Instead, I left the house and decided to take a breather. Being stuck in there made me feel like I was going to lose my mind any second, so I walked off further from the house until I reached the forest behind the Manor.  
  
It hadn’t changed either, but the leaves were slowly falling from the trees to the ground.  
  
It sucked. Just like the naked trees, the leaves could come back next season and wild flowers can bloom again during spring with the help of black and yellow furry friends, just like Masa used to call bees.  
  
If only… if only Masa could come back again just like that…  
  
There was no hope in thinking about it because I knew for sure that it was impossible for humans to come back alive. The only form it came in was a birth to a child and that itself was new life.  
  
I scowled angrily as I crushed a leaf underneath by shoes, but I immediately bent down and apologized to it, knowing very well that Masa would scold me for it.  
  
If only Masa were really here…


	41. Symbols

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How am I supposed to answer him when my feelings were in turmoil?

“How are you feeling?” Father Ohno asked and sat on the empty chair beside me. I clearly said that I didn’t want any visitors, but Father Ohno, Sakurai-sensei and his wife were allowed to because they knew us well.  
  
I shrugged. How am I supposed to answer him when my feelings were in turmoil? One second I was depressed and I wanted to off myself, then the next I was stressed because I had to be presentable to the music station in a few days, then later on he would be angry at the world and himself after drinking a can of beer or two, then the next he would cry until there was nothing left in him. I wanted to slap myself. How could I think of work at a time like this?  
  
“Aiba-kun’s proud of you, you know. As soon as he heard you shot up in fame, he wanted to go visit you.”  
  
“Then why didn’t he,” I snapped, but when I saw Father Ohno’s unmoving sympathetic face, I quickly apologized. I was being such an ass to everyone.  
  
“It’s OK,” Father Ohno mumbled and patted me on the back. “Aiba-kun… wouldn’t he not like it if you did that?”  
  
He gestured his head towards the can of beer in my hand and a cigarette in the other. I hadn’t realized that I went back to my bad habits pf smoking and drinking at the same time until Father Ohno had pointed out. I hated myself again when I stubbed the cigarette on the ash tray, realizing that I was smoking in our old house, and I was only a few feet from Masa’s casket.  
  
Masa’s casket… I hadn’t done it yet. Said my goodbyes, I mean. I… I don’t think I could do it.  
  
“I’ll be back, Father Ohno. Take care of Jun for me, will you?”  
  
When the old man nodded I left him alone at the front of the house to stare after me. I wonder if he thought that I was being an asshole towards everyone and Masa, but he didn’t know how I felt. Not really…  
  
Honestly, I didn’t know where the hell I was going. My feet were taking me to places Masa , Jun, and I had been to, places where we explored, where we created family bonds, and places where Masa and I used to hide away from others to keep them from learning about our relationship.  
  
I truly missed those days, back when everything wasn’t so… dull. Back when Masa was so bright, so amazing, and so beautiful. I miss him… I miss us…  
  
I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I stopped and bent down a familiar hiding spot. It was just behind the library, where Jun had spotted us and found out about our relationship. I bent down beside the huge bookshelf, tore at the carpet that replaced the wooden floor and saw it: Masa and my initials engraved on the floor.  
  
 _A.M. + N.K. forever._  
  
I laughed bitterly as I ran a hand over the heart around our initials. There was no such thing as forever.


	42. Shiver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What am I supposed to tell Jun? I don’t know.

  
“Kazu-nii, are you OK?” Jun asked as he approached me. I could see how worried he was for me especially how he kept looking at the empty cans of beer that were stacking up in kitchen.  
  
What am I supposed to tell Jun? I don’t know. I remained silent as I took another sip from the can of beer. It felt so cold to the touch even though I’ve already opened it up a few hours ago.  
  
“You have a showing tomorrow,” Jun reminded me yet again as he tried to take the can of beer from me. “You can’t afford to have a hangover…”  
  
I laughed out loud and pulled my hand before Jun had the chance to snatch the can from me. “So what? What’s the point?”  
  
“The point is!” Jun yelled and was too fast for me to have pulled my hand away from him. “Masa-nii would hate to see you this way! And he would be happy if you weren’t such a depressing asshole who’s trying to kill himself slowly by torture!”  
  
I glared at the teenager. Who was he to talk this big to me? Who was he and Father Ohno to tell me that Masa would prefer to see me like this and that?! I…  
  
“I don’t know anymore,” I cried and kicked away the nearest chair from me. “I… what am I supposed to do?”  
  
I felt like a little kid seeking desperately for help and I hated it. Hated how I resorted to this ugly, desperate old man despite being in my late 20s. Was this how I’m going to be, knowing that Masa will never be here for me again?  
  
“First, clean yourself up and this place.”  
  
“OK.”  
  
“Then stop being such a brat because that’s not how the world sees you as… Only Masa-nii and I…” Jun trailed off and I could hear him sniffling. Ever since I became famous and all, Jun was almost like my second manager, except he only took care of me like what I needed to eat, when I needed to exercise and such. I couldn’t have been more proud of him. If Masa knew that Jun worked his butt off at school and at home, he’d be so proud of him, too.  
  
I shivered from the sudden breeze and I suddenly felt safe and secure as if Masa was here with us… Smiling, I grabbed the teenager towards me and together we wept.


	43. White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I imagined Masa standing within the crowd, cheering for me along with everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sore wa Yappari || eng lyric cred: yarukizero

I imagined Masa standing within the crowd, cheering for me along with everyone else. I could imagine him waving his hand frantically, screaming my name, and his eyes twinkling as I walked back on stage with a huge grin. As I imagined Masa within the crowd, I sang a song:  
  
 _I'll make it easy to understand.　Yes, very simple._  
Easy enough for you and me to get it.  
I'll try telling it to you.  
"I like you."  
  
The times at that place where our shadows overlapped.  
Or that walking through the same days connected us together.  
It'll change all of those times...  
  
So that I'll be able to sing it out, so that it'll make it to you,  
It'd be nice if I could go to meet you。。  
  
I can tell, I know where you are.  
Almost as if I could see it, as if you were right beside me.  
That's why it's hard.　Because I know, but no matter what, I can't go to you  
When I say, "Keep doing your best", you'll smile at me...  
  
I made meals for you.  
I put out the things that you liked.  
Though none of them are eaten in the end.  
...But I'm used to that now.  
  
If I can make it better next time...　Though there's no way that will happen, I'll try my best to do it.  
  
Something you can see, but I can't.  
I get bold enough when I'm drunk that I murmur, "You're not fair."  
I wonder if that's true?　Maybe I've changed a little?  
"It seems like you've gotten lazier?"  
Carried in through the window on the breeze, I heard you say that. You never change, do you...  
  
Those times when you smiled gently at me, that place where we were together.  
That is the thing that is the most important to me　So important, it makes me want to cry.  
The days when I said that to myself, I couldn't tell you.  
...I wonder why I couldn't say it to you?  
Rather than that thing that we look up at in the distance, you are... you are...  
If it's now, I think I can say it.  
  
You're more beautiful than a rainbow... *****  
  
I created it back when Masa and I were just teenagers and I had almost forgotten about the song until I was looking through our old stuff in our old house. I could tell that I took the fans by surprise and later announced that it was a teaser for my upcoming album “White.” The emcees asked me, though, if I wrote the lyrics based on someone and teased me that I was a softie. I told them honestly that I used to have someone I loved way before I became famous, but said nothing further when they had asked me where this person was now. I couldn’t bear to tell them that this special person had already gone, afraid that I’ll cry on stage…  
  
Jun grinned at me, obviously proud that I wasn’t being the depressing sap


	44. Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damn, why did I have to cry right now?

It took a while for me to convince myself to finally face Masa. The closer I got to his casket, the stronger my heart throbbed painfully against my chest. It hurt, knowing that Masa will never wake up from his forever slumber. I’ll never see him again except in my dreams, where I could relive being with Masa again, those happy ever after days. But as soon as I woke up, I wished that the dreams were real and that Masa was simply sleeping beside me. Instead, what I got was a dream and an empty side of the bed. Those times, I wished that sometimes I couldn’t dream.  
  
I took a deep breath as I moved closer towards the casket and I could hear a small voice in my head hoping that somehow Masa was just taking a long nap…  
  
But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. In the end, I just ran away past a confused Jun, past a worried Father Ohno, and past Sakurai-sensei. I didn’t stop until I reached the beach, until the part of the beach where Masa and I always escaped to for privacy. I saw that it was still as beautiful, even during the middle of winter.  
  
Sighing, I took a seat at the spot where Masa and I sat on the first time we discovered this area. This place, where we had kissed, almost had sex, and just simply enjoyed being with each other. I missed those days.  
  
 _Damn, why did I have to cry right now?_  
  
I wiped my cheeks from the falling tears and bit my lips as I sang the song from yesterday’s performance.  
  
 _I'll make it easy to understand.　Yes, very simple._  
Easy enough for you and me to get it.  
I'll try telling it to you.  
"I like you."…  
  
My voice trembled as I sang and I sounded horrible. But I continued to sing anyway, hoping that somehow Masa could hear me at this moment…


	45. Murmur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tossed on our bed, unable to sleep.

I tossed on our bed, unable to sleep.  
  
What I don’t understand was that I was able to sleep just fine since I came back, but I just couldn’t tonight. It was much colder, and it felt like there was someone else with me in the room. However, before I knew it, I fell asleep.  
  
 _”It will be alright. Let me go, Kazu…”_  
  
I woke up with a sweat. It was early in the morning and I could smell coffee so Jun must be awake. Last night, I had a bizarre dream. I was in our room, sleeping and I stood at the corner of the room, watching myself talk loudly in my sleep. But then I saw a green wisp enter the room. I reached for it, but I couldn’t touch it. But I felt it as my hand went through: it was warm, loving and I felt a tear drop from my eyes. I watched the green wisp ghost over my bed and it stood behind my sleeping figure. It bent and whispered something to my ear. Then for a brief moment, I saw Masa and his wonderful, beautiful smile before the wisp disappeared.  
  
I moved to my back and stared at the ceiling.  
  
Did Masa visit me in my sleep?


	46. Bitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did I ever tell you that I hated coffee?” Nino hummed as he drank from the cup.

“It’s today, isn’t it?” I asked Jun as I sat opposite of him and took the cup of coffee the teenager had prepared for me.  
  
Jun nodded, but he didn’t look at me. I could tell that, he, too, had trouble sleeping last night. Especially since today was the day that Masa’s physical body would be with us.  
  
“Did I ever tell you that I hated coffee?” Nino hummed as he drank from the cup.  
  
But today, he and Jun needed it. Especially on a day where they had to say their goodbyes.


	47. Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve decided that I hated the color black since it was the only color I’ve seen this morning.

I’ve decided that I hated the color black since it was the only color I’ve seen this morning. Everyone was wearing black, the same color as death wore. But I had to wear it, too, out of respect for Masa. He would hate it if I was being disrespectful...  
  
I sat at the front row, directly in front of Masa’s casket. I listened to everyone who gave their speeches, and tried my best not to cry when Father Ohno and Sakurai-sensei had said that Masa was like the son they never had, and when Jun had cried and lost his cool. It hurt, knowing that everyone also loved Masa and I wasn’t the only one who had lost him. And now that he was gone… it felt like the whole world was black with no sun in it anymore.


	48. Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was my turn next. I didn’t want to go up there, to speak a eulogy, but I had to. Everyone knew how important I was to Masa.

It was my turn next. I didn’t want to go up there, to speak a eulogy, but I had to. Everyone knew how important I was to Masa.  
  
Standing up, I placed the bouquet of flowers I had picked from Masa’s garden. The flowers, ironically, were the only thing that gave this whole atmosphere color and vibrancy. I wanted to laugh then, and point it out, but I didn’t. It was just wrong and disrespectful. But as I set the flowers beside his casket, I smiled a little. Knowing how much Masa loved his flowers.  
  
Even if he wasn’t here anymore, even if there was no Masa to make the whole world a brighter place, at least there was the flowers he left behind for everyone. For the whole world. For Jun, Father Ohno, Sakurai-sensei, and me.


	49. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Where do I begin?” I asked as I looked at everyone in the eyes. I realized that I didn’t even write anything for the eulogy.

“Where do I begin?” I asked as I looked at everyone in the eyes. I realized that I didn’t even write anything for the eulogy.  
  
“Well, when Masa first came, let me tell you, I was annoyed: he was crazy, hyper, loud, and weird,” I laughed lightly along with everyone else. “Out of everyone in the Manor, he decided to bother me. Out of all people… But since then, without even realizing it, we became best friends.  
  
“Masaki had showed me everything and made me appreciated life even more… Before, I used to despise everything and I was alone (of course, I had Jun). Until Masaki came into my life—no, our life—did everything change. Because Masaki defined life.  
  
“When he first came, though, I thought that it was just another hopeless kid who wanted to find a family right away. But when he, Jun and I spent every day with each other… we became our own family. Well, Father Ohno and Sakurai-sensei were like our fathers.”  
  
I heard light laughter from the people before him and saw that both Father Ohno and Sakurai-sensei were letting out their tears with no shame.  
  
“As we got older, however, I fell more Masaki,” I paused and expected everyone to look at me with disgust, but everyone looked at me innocently. I continued. “I loved him, sometimes more than he loved me. We couldn’t wait to get out of this place, and when we did, we went crazy like bunnies on a large dose of hormones.”  
  
From the front row, Jun nodded his head in agreement.  
  
“But when I found out that he was sick, he ran away. Pushed me and Jun away, and disappeared… Since then, I wasn’t the same person. Yeah, I shot up in fame, but it wasn’t enough without Masaki. Five years later, when I heard that he died right here, right in our very small home, I came back.  
  
“I lost myself and had almost ruined my life. Hell, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Masaki’s peaceful face…” I paused and closed my eyes for a moment. As of now, I didn’t care if I cried in front of everyone. I’ve been holding it for too long this whole day. “But I had a dream today… and I think Masaki visited me in my sleep. I could still hear his voice clear as day in my head. He said,  _“It will be alright. Just let me go, Kazu...”_  
  
“I know it’s cliché, but when you know you love someone or something, you had to learn to let go. So today… I’m up here to say just that.”


	50. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I turned around and walked towards my best friend’s and lover’s casket.

I turned around and walked towards my best friend’s and lover’s casket. I finally saw him, his face. Oh, how pale it was. I wanted to reach out to stroke his face, just like I did when I held him at night. But I pulled back my hand, took a single yellow rose from the bouquet I offered him, and looked at him one last time.  
  
“I love you,” I said. “Forever… Goodbye, my friend…”  
  
As one last tear fell on my cheek, I closed the casket.


End file.
